Day 4: Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself



*TW: health, body image*

I’ve been busting my nuts for the last few weeks to make a personal change in the easiest way I know how. Turns out though it hasn’t been easy and I’ve stumbled a few times.

On those occasions I’ve felt close to tears because I haven’t seen the results I expected and it’s thrown me.

I’m in turmoil too because the change I want is so personal (health), yet I’ve leaned into a certain way of thinking that has been so empowering that I think it might be better for me in the long run. But what do you do when the things you want conflict?

Can I be body positive and accepting of myself when I also want to improve on that? Isn’t the very act of seeking change the admission that you’re not happy?

I don’t know the answers but I do feel as though I need balance right now and especially during this super sociable month. Who am I to deny myself the things I deserve? I don’t deserve punishment and I know the more I deprive myself the further I’ll fall.

This is really hard isn’t it? Loving yourself? Why can’t we do it freely and easily without questioning every little thing?

Well there must be a way and I’m going to find an answer, I swear. I’m going to love myself so ferociously that it becomes obscene. That people ask me how I do it and I’ll say, “It’s easy, dude, I’ve found the Holy Grail.”

I will find a way to love myself whatever size I am, whatever I’m doing, that’s my one and only brand new vow. And I’ll start soon, I will.

Just not tonight. It’s Sunday and Die Hard’s on. 🎄🎅🏼

3 thoughts on “Day 4: Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself

  1. Update: Beware, this became an essay.
    See, this. I’m really glad you’ve talked about this, I’ve been feeling much the same way, it’s good to know you’re not alone. And you are not.
    *I’m going to talk about weight loss for a hot second*
    I started a beginners running thing a couple months ago, plus The Boy and I are making a conscious effort to cook (mostly healthy) meals from scratch, because I want to lose weight.
    But I’ve not mentioned this to anyone, because I don’t want them to be weird about it. Or if I do shed a bit, to tell me I look fab because of it (I don’t like that), because I’ve worked hard to feel like I already look fabulous. I try every day to love the way I look, so how to merge that with the decision to change this?
    The way I’ve grown to think about it is that this decision is a health-related choice. Regardless of happiness with my own body – the truth is that I could be healthier. For one reason, I am sure now that one day in the not-so-far-away future, I would like to be a mother. At the size I am currently will not be particularly safe or easy for either me or any potential sprog-to-be. That aside, this decision is based on the fact that living healthier means that I am likely to live longer, I love myself and I love my life. I want to keep loving my life for a long time.
    Ultimately, I found peace in the subject by looking myself in the eye and knowing that my wanting to be healthier does not mean that I am not or cannot be happy with my body. For me, it’s not for being skinny, or for looking like a celebrity – it’s to avoid horrible things like heart disease and diabetes and live a long and happy life. Whatever your reasons, it is possible to marry the two ideas in your mind.
    Alright, I think my comment is possibly now longer than your post – can you tell you struck a popular topic of thought with me?
    Keep on being awesome you babe xox

    Liked by 1 person

  2. HM, I love your words, please never be sorry! I love that you’re talking candidly about how you feel, we should be (and are) here for that reason, so you can always talk to me. The more the better!

    I think your view is a sensible one and I also like that it’s not based on wanting to change your looks, rather be a bit healthier. I feel like we’re definitely on the same page. For me it’s very physical, I can feel strain on my knees and yes I’m a bit older and that’s general wear and tear, but I want to move my body more so it feels better. Carrying less is not my focus, more a by-product of eating more veg, cutting out the three packs of crisps a day and moving regularly.

    It’s still a really tricky one because like you I hate the “You look great, have you lost weight?” comments because of what they imply. I’m as desirable and fun and loveable and capable as the next girl, I know this but it’s still hard when people just won’t shut the fuck up and you can’t move for another fucking beauty ideal you’ll never meet.

    Again, learning to recondition our thinking is so much more important than looking a bit smoother in a body con dress. I am now waffling but I’m glad you get me. Thanks for helping me iron this out in my own mind. You’re really a gorgeous girl, you know that don’t you? xoxo


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