Sunday

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Sunday’s my fun day so I don’t get up until gone 9. There’s no fancy breakfast this morning but Glynn still makes the tea. He stays in bed and I go to the front room to watch Made in Chelsea and then, while he’s at the gym, I watch Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie. It’s not as bad as I’d expected to be honest, the funniest line is when Lola sees Gwendoline Christie at a fashion show and whispers “Brianne of Tarth!” as she glides by. I get a bit tired of the fat jokes at Edina’s expense, especially when she’s not remotely fat. Is that the joke? I think that’s part of the joke (or a comment on the beauty industry on the whole).

Beau comes out of his room once and declines my offer to watch the film together, not that I’m serious. He’s in no way sartorially interested so goes back to his room. I eat toast and fruit and sup tea. I paint my nails red and gold. Glynn comes back with the groceries for the day, it’s stormy outside with weather warnings. My excuse not to leave the flat at all. I knock up a pasta packet and add tuna. I go back to bed and watch The Book of Life in bed. The colours and romance of the story fill my heart with joy. Glynn comes in and out to annoy me, in between cleaning the kitchen.

Glynn walks Beau home at around 2.30pm. I watch some more of a show called Maron about a self-involved comedian pod-caster (Marc Maron) who gets good guests on, and also gets into comical situations. I like it but he sleeps with a beautiful woman in nearly every episode, sometimes two and it just smacks of wish fulfillment. Would I do the same if I had my own show and was single? Probably. I’d at least have a hot dude begging me to pay him attention at all times, which of course I would not.

I then settle down to watching our Blog Collab film of the week, Appropriate Behaviour (spelt ‘behavior’ in America). It’s about an Iranian woman coming to terms with her bisexuality whilst living in painfully hip Brooklyn. It has shades of Girls about it (a comparison impossible to avoid within this sub genre, I suppose), which is probably why I like it, though the main character, Shirin, is infinitely more likable than Hannah Horvath. I enjoy the film, which I will review on Monday. Monday will be a two post day I already know as I have this to post too! All this time I have still been in bed in my pyjamas. I am a very lazy person when left to my own devices which doesn’t need pointing out here but still.

I move back into the lounge and watch more Maron. Glynn and I chop up some veg and I prepare the chicken for dinner. We’re doing a ‘healthy’ roast. I time it okay and in between turning the chicken and redistributing the roasted veg I watch the show. It gets a bit much after the second episode in a row, but one features Danny Trejo, who I love more than life. I get very grouchy in the kitchen because of the heat and juggling pans, I really am best left on my own in there until it passes.

Dinner’s ready just before 8pm, we decide to watch an episode of Luke Cage as we eat. There’s a stand-off in the club between Cage and Diamondback – it’s very tense. I’m half watching after dinner as I type up Saturday‘s entry and start a post I’ll schedule for Tuesday, it’s about books I’ll be reading over Winter. I read Meghan’s diary entries for the last two days. Glynn gushes about how fit Rosario Dawson is. I do not disagree, she’s gorgeous.

After Luke Cage we move on to Humans on Channel 4. I’m finding it a bit boring but I have other things to occupy me. I predict the fate of a character but it doesn’t happen in this episode (you mark my words!). At 10pm we head to bed where we read for an hour. I go on Twitter before bed which is a mistake as I don’t put my head down until 11.40pm. I always do this on a Sunday night as I’m anxiously trying to avoid Monday coming round too soon.

Week done. It’s been a mixed bag. ❤

Saturday

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I planned to wake up at seven but keep hitting the snooze button until just before 9. I’m supposed to make the first cup of tea on weekend mornings but Glynn does this morning. Only because I’ve agreed to make breakfast. 🍳🍞

I get up and queue up my film. It’s I Saw The Devil, a Korean horror movie. I can’t sort the subtitles so have to watch it dubbed in English. Sadly the dubbing has an American accent and is so goofy it takes all the terror out of a truly gory and tense serial killer thriller.

James messages to say he got stuck in Eastbourne and can we change the time to one. It was supposed to be 12. I’m cool with that. He hasn’t had a chance to catch up on this movie I’m now watching or another on our list (which is handy because neither have I). I continue watching this film anyway, as it’ll come up in a future episode, and I want to see it.

I stop the film to make breakfast, which is bacon, scrambled eggs, mushrooms and toast. It’s delish. Afterwards I take an extra long time putting on my make up. I love it when there’s loads of time, I really enjoy the ritual. The film is horrifying but good, though the dubbing definitely takes the edge off.

After the film I go back to bed with my book. Glynn is still in there, reading. James messages to change to 2. I realise this gives me time to make a proper lunch. We discuss it. Glynn goes to the shop to buy potatoes and tuna. I bake them.

After lunch Glynn drives me to James’. We have a cup of tea and I chat to his housemates while he sets up the mics. We settle down to talk for a bit as we tend to do before we start recording. We decide to record just one episode today, due to time. I don’t mind that either.

We hit record. We riff for half an hour before even starting on our first film. We cover some deep topics like love, death, cryogenic freezing and god knows what else (I’ll find out when I listen to the episode back). In the end it’s two hours long. It’s been very successful. We chat a little longer (off mic) and I get the bus home.

It’s absolutely pissing down and I get drenched. The bus gets packed and makes me feel anxious. I sometimes get scared I’ll get trapped up the back and never be able to get off. I have to take two buses to get home. An old man stares at my chest so hard I have to pull my coat around me. Yawn.

I get home around 6pm and run a hot bath. Glynn is making bolognese. I read while I soak. We all eat dinner together, which is delicious. Beau is here and we watch Pokémon: Indigo League as we eat. Beau goes back to his room to be an almost teenager and we start watching Mechanic: Resurrection. Twenty minutes in we stop the film, it’s too laughable. Even with Statham doing his best frowns.

We go to bed and read together. It’s knackering being creative. I love it though.

It’s still raining. ☔️💦

Friday

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I do my thang in the morning and get to work in a good mood. I take a selfie to show off my new lipstick on the way. 💄💋

Work is good and productive, I make progress on something I’ve been working on and it’s a weight off my mind. I talk to one of our printers on the phone in great detail about diets (boo), dementia and TV shows we like before he even mentions business. I speak to him more than I do my own husband on a daily basis which is weird but true.

The morning passes smoothly, Fridays bring out the best in people. I take an #ootd picture in the bathroom and challenge my friend Luke to a #bathroomselfieoff. He complies immediately. I do love the instant gratification of social media. Lunch is a pasta salad from the canteen. As I eat, I type up Thursday‘s post and read my Twitter timeline.

The afternoon is a whirl of emails and small jobs, everything I needed to do is checked off. Tom is super busy and looks knackered, we have a laugh about some of the music being played over the office Sonos. Some of the songs we hear have the most awful lines in them, which in turn always remind me of the will.i.am lyric: “I get stacks of cash, you get cashews, I go hard, statues”. No, me neither.

Around five I message James to say I’m excited for tomorrow’s recording. He tells me he’s on the way to Eastbourne to meet a girl he really likes. I love new romance so I’m delighted for him and also looking forward to hearing the details, though not all of them obvs.

We’re all raring to go as the clock ticks round to 5.30pm. The office music always gets more cheerful towards the end of the week (and louder). Kirsty gives me a lift to The Level, I hop out and head to the Co-op, where I buy salmon, asparagus, bacon and eggs. I want to buy a cheesecake to bury my face into but refrain. I get home and put on Enemy. Glynn comes home an hour in. I finish the film after we’ve caught up and then make dinner. The salmon is a little overdone but still tasty. The asparagus is perfect.

We watch a film together called Nerve. It starts well but spirals downward quickly, some lines are actually laughable. After the film we head to bed, it’s only 9.40pm. We read for an hour and then go to sleep. I think for the hundredth time how much I’d like a full body pillow. Not as a sex thing like the ones you see at comic cons, just a plain one I can wrap myself around. I plan to get up early to watch another homework film in the morning so am content to have an early night.

We’re so fucking rock ‘n’ roll and I wouldn’t have it any other way. ❤

Thursday

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My morning routine never changes so I complete it with nothing new to report and leave the house at 8.10am. I pick up a lot of fruit on the way to work from my favourite Turkish market. I’m disappointed though that they always leave their bananas out to turn black. Nothing worse. Great if I was making banana bread, though. I remember the evening before I saw a woman buying some and pondered what it must be like to be a woman who makes banana bread. Nice I would imagine.

I get in and fall into my tasks quickly. There’s a lot to do today so I put my head down. A couple of people ask me how I’m feeling which is nice. I talk to a colleague about general wellness and she doesn’t believe me when I tell her I’m turning 40 next year. This pleases me.

I sort out some niggly bits and get a lot done in the morning, 1pm flies around. While I’m working I catch up on Criminal Podcast and also listen to the lastest episode of one called All Out of Bubblegum ;D.

I laugh out loud at some of the things we discuss in the episode. James has never listened back to a full episode of ours as he says he wouldn’t be able to stand his own voice or the things he says. I’m the opposite. In the moment I always feel like I’ve not said enough or contributed to the conversation but I listen back and I know that’s not true. I marvel at the fact our next episode is our tenth. Ten whole episodes! Not bad for a couple of dufuses who wanted to make a podcast, and then did. BOOM!

The afternoon is busy too, at lunch I typed up my Tuesday & Wednesday post. I got a shout out in Meghan’s Wednesday post and I want her to know I feel the same. We’ve been through a lot and it wasn’t always a sanguine time for either of us back in the day but we got through it via the power of friendship. Those were some of my happiest times in my life. Love you girl!

The latter half of the working day goes quickly. At five I check Twitter and I realise how busy I’ve been not to have gone onto social media. Usually I have a quick peek every 20 mins at least, if even for a second. I feel satisfied to have crossed so much off my list.

After work I walk with my friend Mark to meet another friend for coffee. It’s pissing down and the droplets run off my fringe and then my nose. A con of having a blunt fringe. On the way Mark fills me in on some work gossip from the other end of the office. It’s a shocker. He doesn’t stay for a hot drink but says hello to Darren and leaves us to it.

I haven’t seen Darren for a few weeks so we have a lot to cover. He tells me all about his new job. He looks well and is dressed smart for the office, which works for him. He used to work at my work and was so unhappy, it’s nice to see the change. We talk about my work and several people we know in some depth. It’s funny. We arrange a date for the 27th of this month, he’s going to take me to see Nocturnal Animals or Arrival for my birthday.

I talk to him a bit about my currently feelings of anxiety and how I feel about myself in general, and he understands completely. He’s a good one to talk to as he can empathise well. We’re both so hard on ourselves sometimes. I feel much better for the honest chat.

Darren walks me home for about 7.30pm. Glynn’s still at the gym when I get in so I start dinner. Chilli. It’s very easy, I just chop a load of stuff up and throw it in a pan. I catch up on Drifters. We discuss our days and decide to skip podcast homework tonight, and watch Suicide Squad again. I cringe a lot more than I did in the theater, Jared Leto‘s Joker is unbearable.

We go to bed about 11pm and I don’t sleep until nearly ten to midnight. Shocking!

A good day, had by all. ❤

Tuesday and Wednesday 

I was so sick last night I spend the whole day in bed and I got no writing done. So here’s Tuesday and Wednesday together.

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Same morning routine but this time I catch a ride with my husband to work. On the way we see the IT guy on his bike. I admire his beard as always which looks like that of a viking. I do this without making a big deal to Glynn. I’d give anything for him to have his big unruly beard back but apparently he has concerns about looking groomed for work. Boring.

I feel a little sheepish after my breakdown in the office yesterday but I needn’t. It’s business as usual. The morning is fun, we all have a proper laugh and I receive my Barb necklace from Black Heart Creatives. It’s perfect.

At lunch (baked potato again) I type up my Monday entry. I really enjoy doing it, despite feel slightly uneasy about being so honest and mentioning work. But, my friends, I am an open book and I don’t want to change that. For all my faults I like who I am and feel relieved I’m not numb and unfeeling, something I have been in the past. Emotion is nothing to be scared of.

Still not feeling great and knowing I have lots of films to watch before the weekend, I make it clear to Glynn I won’t be going to the gym after work. After a successful, yet unremarkable working day I return home and put on a Persian film called Under the Shadow. I have to watch it on my laptop, perched on my knee as the TV won’t connect the subtitles. It’s a ghost story set under the threat of bombing during the Iraqi war and is genuinely creepy. In slower bits I do a bit of social media for our podcast which is silly as then I lose track of what everyone’s saying. I get into a conversation about the film with a friend on Facebook. Glynn returns during a particularly jumpy bit. I put the dinner on.

We catch up on our days while the food cooks (Chicken and chorizo potato pies, veg in white wine sauce). His has been as uninspiring but pleasant as mine. Over dinner we settle down in front of my second film of the night, End of Watch. It’s very tense and a couple of scenes make me want to blow actual chunks, they’re so violent. As I watch the film, James messages to say he’s uploaded this week’s episode to Soundcloud. I make some edits ready to publish it tomorrow afternoon.

We finish the film. Glynn has enjoyed it as much as I have. I can see the ending coming a mile off as it’s been manipulating my feelings towards the main characters from the get go but I still cry. Both the films I’ve watched today have been podcast homework. I look forward to discussing them with James at our next recording.

We go to bed around 10pm. I read my Twitter feed for too long as usual. I open the window even though it’s cold outside because I just love to feel the breeze on my naked butt at night. I fall asleep with Glynn’s hand on the very same butt. Bliss.

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I wake up with a headache and I already know this is a bad sign. I get migraines when I’m feeling stressed but am hopeful this one won’t go any further. In defiance I put extra make up on. I’m sick before I leave the house though. On the walk to work I take a kick ass selfie and try to get the Barb necklace in. Black Heart Creatives have already shared a picture of their work on Instagram.

I feel like crud but remain hopeful that the fresh air will clear my head. I get to work in a fair mood. We’re introduced to a new staff member and I tell him he has nice hair and smells nice. He looks perplexed. I’m here to embarrass myself so others don’t have to. Tatty says he looks like he should be in Lord of the Rings.

I’m sick a couple more times and have to leave work in the end. My head is pounding and I can’t stop blowing chunks. I leave the office at 10.45am. I feel guilty but couldn’t stay in that state, my eyes can barely focus. I’m not sure if this is a migraine or a bug. I walk straight home, shed my clothing and crawl into bed. The bedroom is cool and I’m so happy for it. I sleep until 2.30, texting Glynn before I fall asleep.

I wake at about half two and feel I should eat something. I make a cup of tea, have two packets of crisps and a handful of Digestives. I’m not sorry, I need this. I watch 40 minutes of Tale of Tales on my laptop in bed but it hurts my eyes so I fall asleep again. I wake around five when Glynn gets back in. He makes me another cup of tea and I finish the film. It’s wonderful.

**TW: Weight loss**

I have a dilemma here and in life. I’ve decided to join a slimmers group and tonight’s the night to register. I don’t like diet talk, agree it can be harmful and am against the way fat people are treated in society. However, some fat people want to make changes and I’m one of them right now. So I’m doing that. I don’t feel any better for the sleep but don’t want to miss registration so I decide to go to the class at 7pm. I figure the fresh air on the way up the road will help. It does somehow.

The group is massive and I feel like a tit but the ‘leader’ is lovely. Another woman called Irene starts and she’s so happy there’s another newbie there that I stay to class, even though I feel awful and wanted to go home. It drags on until nearly 9, two women cry, Irene is funny. I feel okay about this decision. I won’t talk about weight loss again, nobody cares.

I get home, we order a takeaway (good start, eh) and watch an episode of Luke Cage and then an episode of Westworld. I’m quite bored by Westworld and marvel at how bad Evan Rachel Wood is, so go to brush my teeth as the episode winds down. Everything happens in those last ten minutes. Glynn fills me in on the action.

We go to bed at 11pm, late for us. I’ve slept enough though. I lie awake for a while trying to sleep. It comes eventually but not easily. ❤

A Monday 

enjoyI’ve stolen this from Meghan who stole it from a family member. I’m not sure my usual weekly routine would constitute a good read but yesterday was quite the emotional roller coaster for me, so I’ll try to accurately relive it.

I’ll also mention work quite a bit which is rare for me. I tend to keep that part private.

~

My first alarm goes off at 6.30 so I know I have another half an hour to snooze before I have to get up. 7 comes and I roll out of bed.

I started my period the night before so my body aches and my stomach is cramping. As with all Mondays I have that knot of dread about the working week ahead (for no good reason). I think two things as I stretch: a) about that saying you’re in the wrong job if you hate Mondays (I think you’d still be wary regardless) and b) why do I always ache so much? It’s age, isn’t it?

Glynn has made me a cup of tea which is waiting on the side. I put the box on while I paint my face on. Glynn asks me if I’ve seen the new Ghost in the Shell trailer yet. I have, we discuss it for a few minutes. I have some concerns about it.

As I complete my face and run the straighteners through my bedhead, I watch The Goldbergs and then switch over to Good Morning Britain (I know, I know). Piers Morgan is on and is blowing hot air as usual. I leave the house at 8.10 after brushing my teeth vigorously. I had a filling a week ago and it still tastes like metal.

On the way to work I pass my official ‘selfie’ wall. I don’t stop this morning as my complexion is shot to shit (period) and I’m wearing a very unremarkable outfit. I pass the house of the guy who tattooed me last. I get toast with peanut butter on the way into the office.

I walk in and shout good morning. I get a few grunts back which is classed as a small victory, usually there’s nothing. Our small Marketing team has a brief catch up before and after 9am. Not just saying this for the purposes of a good post, I’m much luckier than most to work with such good people.

Tatty and I receive a group message on Facebook from a colleague saying that another colleague has split up with her partner over the weekend. We all agree she needs extra TLC. Later said colleague mentions the break up to us herself. We all tell her she deserves the moon and stars because she does.

The morning passes in a blur of emails and phone calls and quote requests. I email James my podcast partner a lot to discuss this coming week’s viewing homework. We have seven films to watch by Saturday’s recording. We record two episodes of All Out of Bubblegum fortnightly and publish every Wednesday. I talk about my podcast a lot because I love doing it so much. This week will revolve around a film a night, not really a hardship for me.

I have a baked potato for lunch and write some of a blog post. It’s my review of an Egyptian film called Excuse My French, due to be published tonight. I collaborate with Jillian who will post her review at roughly the same time, her time. I also order a dress for the Christmas party, coming up on the 9th. I was going to go for a hot pink number but at the last minute, opt for chocolate brown.

I have lots of creative pursuits outside work which make me very happy indeed but sometimes it reflects back on my day to day work unfavorably. As a team we do a lot of production which I enjoy as it involves talking to lots of people and is very varied but I do long for more creative projects. Wahhhh, I’m such a baby.

After lunch Tatty and I gossip in the kitchen with our colleague, the one who’s just split up with her girlfriend. She’s in good humor but we’re both angry she’s been hurt. We talk for at least 15 minutes over the kettle. I get back to my desk still in a good mood but there’s something on my mind. I receive a parcel which is a bag I’d ordered the day before. A few people roll their eyes as they walk past me into a meeting. They all know I have an acute shopping addiction.

I’ve not been feeling great about myself or things for a while now and I’m emotional today. At around 4 something happens with a project I’ve been on the outskirts of that makes me cross ( I won’t bore with details). I’m bad at hiding my negative feelings so talk to Tatty in a separate room.

Once I close the door I burst into tears and it feels like I’m crying for everything bad that’s ever happened (like the Le Tigre track). I’m really embarrassed but it feels good to open up. I express myself badly about frustrations at work, my crisis in the lead up to my birthday (on the 25th), how I feel about myself. I’m a hot mess but we iron things out and I know things are going to be better.

The gist of where I am is this: I’m a (nearly) 39 women with no clue of where I’m going in life (career wise). Tatty pointed out my creative drive and helped me understand that nobody hates me, even though I think they do every day. I know my anxiety is out of control, I doubt everything I do and I want to feel better. I cry some more but come out feeling better, despite the puffy eyes. I’m impressed with my friend who’s great at this stuff and practical too. We’ve formed a plan for me to get more out of my role, which is to build it the way I actually want it.

Even though I feel better, I feel a bit foolish for being so snotty, I’m the ugliest crier. I know I won’t be judged but paranoia tries to mess with my head again. I’m going for birthday drinks after work so fix my make-up and try to remember that tomorrow is a new day.

At the pub I enjoy a double vodka and diet Coke, catch up a bit with my friend Paul. The boys leave and I spend time with some of the girls, who are all from a different department. There’s a guy there who was fired a few month back. He’s on good form though, we talk about work and other things. At 7.20pm I leave and pick up a terrible TV dinner for Glynn and I. Glynn’s been cleaning the kitchen and has done a load of washing. I burst into tears again when I see him. He hugs me, makes me tea and then feeds me. I’m the luckiest person on the planet.

We watch a documentary called Tabloid together about a nuts but remarkable American woman who caused a major scandal in the 1970’s in England. I get confused because I’m not concentrating as I’m finishing up my blog post. I eat a Wispa for pudding and have a cup of tea before bed. Glynn has dry roasted peanuts. We retire to the boudoir at 10pm. I shower first and read a bit of my current book The Disaster Artist, which was recommended to me by James.

It’s homework for an upcoming ‘special’ on our podcast. I tweet a bit, on behalf of the podcast (@alloutofgumpod) and as myself. I talk to a business owner I really admire about a piece I’ve commissioned. It’s a necklace that looks like Barb from Stranger Things. I look forward to receiving her now, maybe tomorrow.

I go to sleep at about 11pm. I still feel embarrassed about my outburst this afternoon, which I hadn’t planned. I think again how I have to do something about the way I’m feeling and my own self belief. But then I think it only gets me at low points, in general I’m a happy person. I remind myself again that I’ll feel better in the morning.

Don’t you just love the time between lights out and total oblivion? ❤