Doing What You Love

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There were several times last week when I uttered the defeatist’s favourite words: “I can’t do this”.

I cried on a friend over cheesy chips (thanks Beck), stopped sleeping, eating and talking; and made my husband worry. Why? A stupid pointless project at work.

For the record, I don’t operate on brains, seek cures for disease or make political decisions that can make or break the nation: it’s a bloody website.

Work. Of all things, driving me mad. What is that about?

Where usually I am proud of how I work and what I produce, this fortnight I’ve been reduced to an (even more) over-apologetic lamb, worried about every decision I make, every potential mistake I haven’t even made yet.

That says a lot about the lack of real support we get as a department as much as it does about me. But I don’t see that changing any time soon.

I’m a creative goddammit being placed in a position of management (without the authority) and I never wanted that. I like tech without having the technical know how. I like learning new things but I need to be taught first!

Anywhoo, these last weeks have been a wake up call. I’m becoming all too aware of anxiety and stress. Work may have tipped me over but it’s not just that, it could be anything really – for a while it was a minor tax blip that kept me awake at night. Often I feel I’m about to lose everything and everyone, and I might as well walk into a river with stones in my pockets like Virginia Woolf.

My coping mechanism is rusty, I know that’s all it is. Close friends know exactly how I feel because they go there too sometimes and it’s not a rare feeling. Self-doubt is common but it’s also a little shit that needs to be disciplined.

I talk about self-care a lot on my blog but my main goal for the next few months isn’t ‘book a holiday’ or ‘lose 3 stone’, it’s ‘learn to deal’. I can’t let something so ultimately meaningless derail me, nor can I let the next big thing break me. I want to enjoy life.

Something Becky said over those delicious chips made me think. Maybe I should just do something okay that pays the bills for now, so I can do and pursue the things I really love outside of that, like writing.

That’s what I enjoy doing, what I’m good at and what I’m confident in.

Whatever that ultimately gentler/less taxing job might be, perhaps it’s time to start looking for it.

What’s your coping strategy when dealing with stress? Meditation? Vodka? Shopping? ❤

Anxiety

I’m not going to lie, this week has been a little bitch.

I never blog about work and I’m not about to start now. Not out of loyalty but because, even though I like my job, I don’t really consider it ‘who I am’.

Who am I though really? I like to think I’m just a cool (ish) girl who loves people. And her life.

The job is necessary and can be fun sometimes but the landscape has changed considerably over the last three months and I seem to now juggle stress with feelings of total inadequacy. Otherwise known as Imposter Syndrome.

I’ve also made a new friend called Anxiety in my more recent years and she’s kind of tough to live with.

Anyway, I’m not sleeping very well at the moment and I don’t even care about eating that much, which is a sure sign I need to sort it out.

Whenever I’m alone with my thoughts That Bitch Anxiety just whispers to me. About how shit I am and how I’m going to fail spectacularly and embarrassingly.

I actually had to admit to being overwhelmed yesterday and it helped for a while but now all I can see is a massive list of things I have to do next week that all depend on other people.

I’m basically the shepherd in this scenario with a flock of techy sheep that annoy the crap out of me.

I want out.

How do you claw your way out of a boiling pot of insecurity?

How do you ask for help when you’re so used to just getting on with it?

How the fuck do you deal with this horrible disorder?

I’m going to sign out on a positive note with this: the rest of my life is grand. In the grand scheme of things, I have everything I need and I know I’m a smart cookie in general. I am loved and there’s a lot to be grateful for.

I don’t want to have my job define my behaviours when I’m not there so as soon as this project is done, I’m going to have a strong think about where I go from here.

That’s if I’m not fired/haven’t run screaming from the building first.

Argh!

Ps. A shout-out to wifey, Jill who also had a fucking terrible week. We’ve together decided that there’s a way to deal with this shit and it’s to take the Femme Fatale approach to life (I’ll blog more about that later).

We’re celebrating with a viewing of Laura this weekend (post up Tuesday night) so who knows – come Monday maybe I’ll put up my hair in a chignon, slap on my best lippy and rugby tackle that motley crew/task list to the ground, and with a whole new attitude.

*lights cigarette and blows three perfect smoke rings out of the abyss*

(Relax it’s fake).

Take care of yourselves and the angsty people in your lives 💖