To take up more space, to take more chances, make more mistakes, more friends, more noise. Take trips, say yes, create more. Write more and be more present.
I’m tired of all the new me bullshit. While it’s nice to take stock of a year and look upon a fresh new one with a sliver of excitement, why must we always have to change? Who I am is just fine thanks, I’ll not be adjusting at all.
Apart from trying to save instead of spend, I’ll be:
Eating whatever the fuck I like
Going on at least two European breaks
Visiting London at least once
Writing regularly and maybe even outlining a plan to write something ‘real’
Recording a lot of new episodes for the podcast
Watching all the films
Reading all the books
Being vocal about anything and everything than means something to me
After his parents are murdered, a tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior.
You know what a little kid doesn’t need when he becomes an orphan? To be abused by a sadistic Mother Superior.
You know what a little orphan kid who’s witnessed the slaying of his entire family at the hands of an evil burglar dressed as Santa Claus especially doesn’t need? To be abused by a sadistic Mother Superior. And here’s me remembering how hard I had it learning GCSE Maths from Sister Ursula and her extra long metal ruler.
From the beginning:
Billy and his family go to visit his catatonic grandfather in a nursing home on Christmas Eve. Gramps is completely unresponsive to everyone around him until Billy is left alone with him for a moment, and then it’s party central. Gramps grabs Billy and tells him a horrifying story about Santa Claus and what he does to naughty kids when they’ve been shits. Poor Billy is terrified and his parents aren’t particularly sympathetic when he tells them about it later.
This might have turned into an amusing anecdote for Billy to regale his own family with years later had it not coincided with a criminal dressed as the big man himself running their car off the road and then killing everyone but Billy and for no good reason, either.
Years later and the orphan Billy is getting a lot of shit from the Mother Superior as mentioned above. The woman is horrible and completely unsympathetic to anything vaguely childlike (kind of my hero) – and she especially takes pleasure in spanking naughty kids. She also forces Billy to be around Santa, even though she knows how triggering the notion of Saint Nic is to this poor child.
The only real light on the horizon is Sister Margaret who totally has Billy’s back and tries to do what she can to make his life better. Ten years later and Billy is a buff young honey who gets a job in a toy shop. This is great and we even get a working hard montage to show us how well he’s getting on in the professional world.
Billy is clearly well-loved and enjoys a flirtation with a pretty young colleague. The only fly in the ointment is the Christmas period and it gets worse for Billy when he’s promoted to store Santa. Can you even imagine what that would do to a person?
Billy gets on with it as stoically as he can, though on the night of the office party something inside him snaps and he does something he can never take back (clue: it’s not getting off with the slightly creepy dude from Accounts).
And the thing is, once he gets going he can’t stop – so eager is he to punish the naughty people of the world. Some of his victims deserve to be sliced and diced (rapists/nasty bullies) and some of them don’t really (highly sexed babes/his boss) but Billy is relentless in his judgement. He slaughters with gay abandon and it all seems to be leading up to a terrible swan song: revenge on the old bitch that made a nasty situation so much worse…
Sister Margaret teams up with the feds to try and track down Billy, whom she still has every sympathy for and sidenote: she totally reminds me of Doctor Lomax in Halloween. In a race against time, Margaret and co have to get to the orphanage before actual hell breaks loose.
Can they save Billy from himself and MP from the fate she so richly deserves before it is #toolate?
This does exactly what it says on the tin. The eighties vibe is deeply enjoyable and Billy looks super cute in his Santa suit – the killings are OTT and satisfying. There’s a lot of boob and classic horror movie tropes (aka the slut gets it) which is fun but also highly offensive and tiresome by today’s standards. I’d like a remake please.
Billy saves his work crush from potential rape but then murders her because she’s a witness to his first murder – or is it because he’s judging her by her bad behaviour aka putting herself in a situation where she could get herself raped? Or… is it because she rejected him in the first place?
Billy is all shades of messed up and who can honestly be surprised about that? If only he’d got the help he deserved in the beginning, eh? I think it’s an interesting take on PTSD and for a change not just a clichéd escaped mental patient storyline.
Sure it could have been way better but I like it for the kitsch value. And I’m 100% on Billy’s side – fuck everyone.
3.5/5. Fun. Bloody. Silly af.
What does my queen think? Would she lop this one’s head off or… not? Find out here!