3-Headed Shark Attack (Film) Review

3-Headed Shark Attack

Week 2 in B Movie Heaven and Jillian’s choice can only be described as truly majestic. Like, it has everything you need and so much more, plus the makers have done their homework (e.g. taken massive liberties whilst being ‘inspired’ by other movies in the same genre).

Without much further ado, let’s get down to sharky bidnis.

*Spoilers* as always.

3-Headed Shark Attack (2015)

Director: Christopher Ray
Stars: Karrueche Tran, Jason Simmons, Rob Van Dam, Danny Fucking Trejo, Brad Mills, Jena Sims, Scott Thomas Reynolds, Rico Ball

IMDB Synopsis: As a mutated, three-headed, great white shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next, the passengers have to fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.

My Review:

Before I start I think I should tell you that a) this film made me very happy indeed after quite a hectic weekend, and b) Danny Trejo has long been one of my favourite human beings and I long for the day we accidentally meet and become best friends forever. Like truly, he seems so nice, has lived an extraordinary life and loves dogs. He’s perfect.

So I went into this with a very positive mindset and I can’t say I was disappointed. If we were to deconstruct this film in terms of its feminist politics we might hit a snag but, although we might touch upon them, you’ve kind of got to suspend yourself to get something out of this, which I was only too happy to do.

God bless this movie as well for trying to put some science behind the 3-headed wonder fish and for referring to something as the ‘garbage patch’ for so long without cracking up.

Unlike this Director, I believe in leaving a bit of mystery

Our main protagonist I guess is Maggie Peterson (Tran), an unfeasibly gorgeous graduate (?) who’s just turned up to The Persephone, a sort of underwater building/rig where scientists study a new rush of mutated sea life and monitor water pollution. (Forgive me, my science ‘bits’ might be wrong or embellished throughout).

Oh, but before we meet her we’ve already seen the beast in question and I thought that was kind of sad. Let’s just say that the creators of 3HSA have decided to move away from the suspenseful build up of Jaws (1975) and go full pelt with their CGI masterpiece. So we begin with the inevitable bikini-clad lovely being enticed into the water by a sexist frat boy, only for them all (?) to come quite the cropper.

Dr Laura Thomas on her way to the Scientists’ Wet T-Shirt Contest

Back to Maggie and she’s taking a tour around Persephone with the crew, led by Dr. Laura Thomas (Sims). Some young and spunky divers rock up and – lo! – one of them is Maggie’s ex Greg (Reynolds). They have a super awkward catch up in front of the rest of the crew and then the tour continues.

In one of the rooms the kids (all about my age but still) look at some of the unusual mutations in tanks. They notice that one of the species (a sort of lantern fish hybrid, cute little fella) is really riled up. This leads Dr. Thomas to investigate the boop boop machine (you know, it boop boops and can see if there’s anything in their vicinity that might be dangerous) to see if there’s anything dangerous in their vicinity and they detect something enormous – and it’s heading their way!

Initially, the team think it may be a part of the garbage patch (lol) broken off and drifting but as it’s moving at quite a rapid pace they high tail it onto the beach to Check. It. Out. The staff tell the kids to stay behind but can you guess what they do? Pesky kids.

“Yeah, dating Chris Brown was way worse than this situation…”

Outside, one of the crew who isn’t particularly sharp gets excited about the massive whale he’s just seen on the horizon and wades into the water. This can’t possible go wrong in a movie like this until it does and the gang witness him being gobbled up like a soggy Wotsit. By the way, I think garbage makes our triple headed friend fucking angry hence all the rage and willy-nilly chomping. (Pollution makes me sick too, hun).

The gang are understandably shaken so they head back to the rig but 3 Head follows and smashes the shit out of the structure, causing massive flooding and killing a man on the toilet (you know it’s serious when).

Our intrepid scientists have no choice but to find their way to a boat, sadly their vessel is somewhere out to sea and requires someone to swim out and bring it in. If you can say anything about our crew it’s that everyone is very eager to sacrifice themselves for their friends (even though they just met). You will notice this theme throughout and you may ask yourselves, as I did, whether you would do the same for your work colleagues. (The answer is: some of them).

Close you mouth, love

So there’s a bit about the boat and the most annoying thing about this scene is that one of the lady scientist/divers, Alison (Hamil) panics and runs into the water for no reason (okay, maybe the rig/buildings are blowing up behind them but still). This causes one of the others to have to swim out and ‘save’ her, and you can probably guess the rest.

While all this is going on the team have been trying to get hold of the Coast Guard. Apparently the CG has other stuff going on (kid in a donut ring carried out to sea?) and doesn’t answer.

As luck would have it, they’re able to get hold of a gang (literally a gang) in a boat. This gang is lead by Mr Danny Trejo (I’m not sure what the order of business is that day but no mind) and although he’s reluctant at first and worries they may be pulling his leg about the monster, he heads to their rescue. He’s just that kind of guy.

Luckily, Machete does fish (and has a boating licence)

While they wait, Sharky seems to lose interest in them and heads out to a party boat because why wouldn’t you if you were an angry 3-headed killing machine? Plus they probably all taste of coconut (sun tan lotion, obvi).

Maggie feels the need to save everyone and so insists that they follow so they can save the party kids. Again, I might have turned a blind eye but then I’m maybe not as good a person as Maggie.

“We’re gonna need a bigger boat! Or three boats. THREE BOATS!”

Sharky terrorises the party boat and its passengers in the most delightful way. There’s some focus on a couple which is a bit boring but from the carnage rises the clear stand-out character of this entire piece: Stanley (Van Dam). Stanley selflessly rescues everyone in sight and you know you’ll be really feeling it when he finally buys it somewhere, sometime.

We lose quite a few of our friends along the way, through self-sacrifice or whatnot and then Trejo rocks up. He actually has a machete and he sorts everything out, don’t worry. Ten minutes with Machete and it’s all over and we can go home.

Or can we?

He’s got an arm off

I won’t tie up the ending because it’s worth a look if you like shitty films as much as we do but I will say this, to the crew: When you say things like “Phew, it’s finally over!”, it ain’t fucking over, dude.

Also, when somebody in the boat behind you is frantically trying to get your attention, it just might be because something’s up.

And, I really didn’t understand the ending.


Who makes it and who will perish? Will you mind after all the stupidity these idiots show? What about our lovely grumpy shark? Will he stay calm in the face of adversity, or lose his head(s)?

Watch now and find out for yourselves.

Karrueche Tran: Flawless even when battling Great Whites

My Thoughts:

Loved it. I mean, I love Shark Movies in general but this one has a mutated Great White in it. How superb is that? Karrueche Tran is so pretty I can’t help saying that all the time. She also used to go out with Chris Brown and I really hope she’s out of that cycle now. I hope she’s got the best boyfriend, or is absolutely loving single life. Yeah that. 

I wonder which one she’d rather? The 3 headed shark or Chris Brown again? Kidding. It would be the shark, every time. OBVS.

Van Dam at least gives his all to his role and honestly if I needed saving, which I do not, I think I could do a lot worse than this dude. Ditto Trejo, though he gets a little cocky.

Otherwise, utterly forgettable characters and dialogue. CGI is better than expected and I had a lot of fun here.

My Rating: 5/5 for entertainment, 3/5 for the film (which is being generous) – split the difference with 4/5?

Did Jill feel the same way or does she think this movie should be relegated to the garbage patch? Find out here, at your peril!

Stung (Film) Review

STUNG-POSTER-RED-R1I had a harder time than necessary choosing a film this week and only because I placed so much pressure on myself.

We were going to do High School Movies Month but that didn’t work out (long boring story), so we’ve gone instead with Plan B, which actually fits our new theme rather well: B Movies.

Remember both Jill and I complaining that our choices recently have been too good? Well, we have been doing that and both welcomed the return of some signature snarking, a skill Jill certainly excels at (for films mostly, I can’t speak for the rest of life).

So enter the bad movie line-up. I was going to go with Sharknado (2013) but thought that seemed too obvious for my first choice, so you get this instead.

*Spoilers* as always.

Stung (2015)

Director: Benni Diez
Stars: Matt O’Leary, Jessica Cook, Lance Henriksen, Clifton Collins Jr.

IMDB Synopsis: A fancy garden party turns into upper class prey when a colony of killer wasps mutates into foot tall predators.

My Review:

First up, I love a Creature Feature. The zanier the better as far as I’m concerned, and this bonkers sounding movie has been on my list for ages. But was it worth the wait and did it leave a lasting impression (AKA sting) though? Let’s find out!

Julia has started her own catering business and is understandably keen for her first ‘gig’, a fancy garden party, to go off without a hitch. Nerves make her pretty snippy when it comes to her only other employee, goofy Paul. I think there’s some dialogue at the beginning about her having just lost her father which turns out not to have much bearing on anything, so I’ll assume it’s to give her some depth (uh-huh).

This story has a sting in the tail…

Paul is super into Julia and is actually really good-looking in a sort of Daniel Radcliffey-throw-some-dirt-on-him-and-put-him-in-a-perilous-position-so-he-can-show-himself-to-be-quite-action-hero-ey way, though he’s also very annoying. The fact he likes Julia but she doesn’t like him (or does she secretly, duh) is not going to stop the guy continually trying to get in her knickers though, obvi – and it grows tiresome real quick.

Anyway. Straight off the bat Paul notices that there’s a wasp problem at Mrs. Perch’s  (Eve Slatner) sprawling home. They’re pretty huge and aggressive but not so obnoxious that anyone’s that fussed yet. The do seems to be a send off for Mrs. Perch’s dead husband. They have a creepy son too, Sydney (Collins Jr.) who has a drink problem.

During the night, which is going just great (bar the annoying buzzing buggers), Paul befriends Larry (Daniele Rizzo) and they fuck off to get stoned together. Meanwhile, we meet some of the guests, which range from some very odd old men to a highly sexed Cougar who can’t get enough of Paul (but of course). Suddenly, there’s a scream and before we know it, though pesky wasps are stinging guests willy nilly.

I don’t want to spoil the effects for you

Alas, this isn’t like the time I stood on a bee when I was five, these wasps have a nasty affect on their victims and it’s of the chest busting variety. It seems the victims don’t so much become killer wasps as host them for a small amount of time before giving birth to them in hideous and exciting ways.

Shit kicks off real quick as the core cast get themselves back into the house where they batten down the hatches. Unfortch, this doesn’t keep them safe for long and one by one the survivors are picked off. It’s really gross which is definitely one of the best things this film has going for it. Mrs Perch goes first (old = weak, innit), then lovely Flora the housekeeper (Cecilia Pillado) leaving just Julia, Paul, old man Caruthers (Henriksen) and creepy Sydney to fight to the death.

Luckily they’re a solid unit with not even one secret between them. Are they fuck! Sydney is forced to admit that this is all his fault (dead dad’s growth hormones in the fertilizer = giant killer wasps, yo) and what’s more he conceals a sting of his own. No problem though, course that won’t come back to bite anyone on the arse later (or face).

Catering’s a bitch

There’s not an awful lot to play with here in terms of story line but we didn’t come here for depth so it’s best just to focus on the grotesqueness of it all. Wasps make sticky nests and it takes them no time at all to turn the once beautiful mansion into a heap of shit. Plus it’s no party to have one bursting out of your mouth/eye socket/chest so the new decor is somewhat splattered. But whatya gonna do?

Once through the worst of it, all our surviving heroes have to do is find a way out into the open but who knows how they’ll fare? The answer is surprisingly better than expected until Paul is kidnapped by a fucking angry female (of course there was going to be Queen). Will Julia kick ass and go back for him, or will she hightail it out of there as fast as her little catering van can take her? I know what I’d do…

To the questions!

Sidney and date


What the fucking fuck is going on Sidney, you freak?

Who survives anyway? And will you even care or will you zone out a bit because you’re so disappointed that a film about giant killer wasps turned out to be so fucking dull? Asking for a friend.

I don’t even know anymore. There’s a ridiculous climax (or not) at the end and then it’s all over. No lasting effects whatsoever.

Woman up, creep

My Thoughts:

Paul just really annoyed me trying to touch Julia all the time. If I found myself in a similar situation and someone was trying to paw me, even if it was my own husband, I would have something to say about it. No means no dude, even if the underlying (condescending) message is that she does really. FFS.

When he makes a throwaway comment to one of the men about how Julia should be more grateful I wanted to turn the film off altogether, and go and kick something. Fuck gratitude right now, dude.

It’s nice that Julia gets to save Paul in the end but that scene with the Queen and the larvae is so hideous I nearly puked. I think the gist was that she wanted to plant her babies in Paul. At least that would have made him useful for a bit.

This is supposed to be a horror/comedy FYI but I don’t think I cracked a smile the whole time. Maybe that says something about me?

Later these crazy kids fuck in an ambulance because that’s all you’d want to do, then it’s all over and everyone can go home. Or can they?

Watch if you like or don’t, I don’t mind. I think I can safely say our Too Good Curse has now been lifted, at least for this week.

My Rating: 2.5/5. Points awarded solely for the gore and special effects. May I recommend you go and watch The Fly (1986) instead?

So, what did Jillian think? Was it a B for Brilliant Movie in her book or would she rather kill it dead where it stands with a giant can of Raid? Find out here silly.

Ps. I’ve found an incredible movie for us to watch together in the flesh Jillian, it’s so good/bad a concept I’m not even going to give you a teaser! ❤

Icetastrophe (Film) Review

HNR9M6HJillian’s pick this week and a combination of two well-worn genres. That’s Christmas and Sci-fi, obvs. Because isn’t that perfect? Like Fish and, erm, candyfloss (the perfect combo).

Christmas Icetastrophe (2014) AKA just Icetastrophe

Director: Jonathon Winfrey
Stars: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence, Richard Harmon

IMDB Synopsis: A meteorite brings ice and freezing temperatures, which threatens to harm the residents of a small town at Christmas.

My Review:

Charlie Ratchet (honestly) is an impossibly hot dad living in a small town just trying to make a living and stop his evil eyed son Tim from blowing himself up. Separated from his wife Faye (the superbly named Boti Bliss) who lives in the next town along, he’s honestly just too attractive for this world.

“Yeah I’m just looking forward to kicking back for a few days, eating mince pies, watching Home Alone… you?”

He works for the town mayor Ben Crooge (lol) (played by Mike Dopud), though I’m not sure I know exactly what he does. Something manly, construction/mining? It doesn’t really matter. Ben is not well liked in the town (he is also quite easy on the eye, I won’t lie) but Charlie has to try and bite his tongue because he works for him (I hear you sister!).

This is easier said than done and things get harder (giggle) when we find out Tim is dating Ben’s daughter Marley (Tiera Skovbye). They’re keeping it hush hush though Tim wants to come out as a couple.

I’m p. sure this is because Tim is punching above his weight and Marley knows it but whatever kids, I don’t really care.

“What do you mean I look like Cyril Sneer from The Raccoons?”

Oh yeah and before we even meet the gang we meet Alex Novak, a mature student obsessed with a meteorite she’s been tracking for some time. Her colleague takes the piss out of her for choosing to spend Christmas Eve working rather than letting her hair down and having a life.

Alex is obviously a bit stupid as she’s supposedly tracking this meteorite so closely, yet fails to warn anybody that it’s about to hit, least of all the small town where Charlie and co are trying to enjoy a jolly Christmassy event in the centre of Main Street.

Just before the meteorite hits, Ben sacks Charlie (for being too good-looking?). I blinked and missed this scene so I’m not sure why, it might be because of Tim and Marley’s relationship. Marley’s brother Scott (Andrew Francis) definitely finds out about them and isn’t best pleased. He’s also a dreadful human being.

So, hit the meteorite does, killing several locals in some wonderfully creative ways and revealing itself to be unlike anything anybody has ever seen before. Like, for a start, it’s all icy and shit, not hot and fiery. Ooooooh!

Ben is a weak little punk and leaves the town Santa to freeze to death when he tries to help a frozen kid, proving to the viewer what a total arse he really is. I sure hope he has the opportunity later to redeem himself…

The town begins to evacuate and head over to the clinic where Charlie’s wife works. But this being a disaster flick means not all goes according to plan.

This happened at some point. Man, he’s COLD

Alex the Scientist turns up, nearly gets killed by the icy fingers of this bizarre natural phenomenon and Charlie then inexplicably decides to put the needs of this idiotic woman ahead of his loved ones. I mean, he’s never met this fool, who’s more than willing to head straight into the eye of the storm (where she will almost certainly perish), and that makes him just as foolish by association.

I’m sorry, we’re all meant to be blown away by how good a man Charlie is but I just thought he was kind of dickish. For a start he sends his son off on his own to make his way to safety. Not the actions of a responsible person, soz Charlie, I don’t care how delightful your jawline is.

Tim does make it to the clinic momentarily but when he the finds out Marley hasn’t arrived he goes rogue and dashes off to find her. Marley meanwhile has stopped with her brother to help a stranded motorist and somehow the two of them end up out in the open. Which is not a good scene, man, not when killer ice crystals are sprouting out of the ground willy-nilly.

I know, you never thought you’d read a sentence like that in your life, did ya?


There are deaths left right and centre, some superbly shit special effects (or basically just the one over and over, the aforementioned ice crystals). There are explosions, bonding moments, and lots and lots of snow.


Will Charlie make it out with his beautiful face intact? Will Tim rescue Marley (and will she just STFU for one second PLEASE)? Will Scott get his just desserts (snow cone, anyone?) for being such a prick?

Will Ben come through in the end?

Will ridiculous Alex get her all-important sample of meteorite so she can score Brownie points with whoever still cares?

Will you care? Is this so bad it’s really good? And what happens if you ignore all the advice and eat the yellow snow?!

If you get to the end, you will undoubtedly find the answer to 95% of these questions.

Christmas Icetastrophe - 2014
“Oh hokey cokey cokey…”

My Thoughts:

Sigh. No. Sorry. It was pretty dire. I found myself wishing for an ice shark or something, maybe even a troll, to come crashing through the trees to shake the party up a bit.

The characters annoyed the shit out of me, I didn’t care if any of them lived or died and Charlie didn’t even have the decency to do a shower scene.

So thanks but no thanks, Icetastrophe.

My Rating: 1.5/5. Horrific but my 1.5 is solely for the dude who gets a deadly icicle spear through his throat. God bless him. ❄❄❄

What did my beautiful Christmas angel Jillian think of this hot mess? Find out here if you dare.


Cockneys Vs. Zombies (Film) Review


Another week, another great horror. Or, if not great, then at least great fun. Which, both Jillian and I have agreed is exactly what we needed after a few weeks of pure, unadulterated stress at both our works.

Anyone else having the shittest few weeks of their (working) lives?

Let’s see if our pick this week offers anything more than exactly what it says on the tin.


Cockneys Vs. Zombies (2012)

Director: Matthias Hoene
Stars: Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadaway, Michelle Ryan

IMDB Synopsis: A gang of bank robbers fight their way out of a zombie-infested London.

My Review:

Brothers Terry and Andy are likely lads but with their hearts in the right place. Right now they’re plotting a robbery with the help of an unstable associate called Mental Mickey (Ashley Thomas). What on earth could go wrong?

Meanwhile, the East End of London is undergoing a transformation with new builds going up all over the city. During the first stages of building it looks like the developers have uncovered a 17th century burial site, as you do. This may or may not have unleashed the undead into the streets – oopsy.

The same developers FYI are threatening closure on Terry and Andy’s grandpa’s care home which might have something to do with the upcoming robbery… Incidentally, this film would not have been the film it is if it hadn’t starred the sublime Alan Ford (Brick Top of Snatch (2000) to you and I). He makes it completely.

The gang had arrived at the Annual Mouth Gaping Wide Open Championships – but who would walk away with gold?

So, the brothers move forward with the robbery with a little help (?) from an increasingly erratic Mickey, plus friend Davey Tuppence (Jack Doolan) and cousin Katy. Things go appallingly of course when the gang end up with more than they bargained for, both fiscally and literally. The robbery brings in 2 million but they gain two hostages along the way.

Lucky for them the surrounding police officers have bigger fish to fry what with the undead devouring them all, so they get away pretty easily. I don’t really get why they take hostages at this point but they do, in the form of Emma (Georgia King) and Clive (Tony Gardner).

One by one we lose members of the squad in creative and witty ways. There’s not much I can really say about this, just that it follows a typical zompocalypse format but funnier. Things kick off when Terry and Andy head for the care home, where Brick Top and friends have been doing a decent job of fighting off zombies until now. These aren’t just any old folk after all, but cockney old folk and therefore HENCH.

“Ask me if I’ve got my daysaver one more time…”

Our heroes stop by Mental Mickey’s lock up on the way to Brick Top’s which happens to be packed full of every sort of ammunition. It’s Willy Wonka’s factory but with grenades and bullets. They also hot wire a double decker bus to accommodate the oldies.

(This is by far my favourite bit).

To the Questions section: Will the boys make it to their grandpa’s in time? Will Brick Top’s glamorous friend Peggy (Honor Blackman/Pussy Galore) give him reason to keep living? What will become of the boys, the money and the remaining members of our gang?

“You’ve all got red on you!”

My Thoughts:

Look, there’s not much to say. This film is amusing and it doesn’t require any brainpower. It has a wonderfully old skool English cast and it has Brick Top in an action hero role. I’m in, all the way.

All I could think throughout this Zom Com (not sure this can be classed as a Rom Zom Com given the refreshing lack of romance), was: it’s no Shaun of the Dead (2004) – but then what is? It does the best it can with what it has.

Plus the cast, particularly Katy and Brick Top, look like they’re really enjoying handling all those big weapons.

My Rating: 4/5

Did Jillian enjoy herself? Check out The Pink Panther Snipes Again to find out for yourselves!

The Monkey’s Paw (Film) Review

Another week, another slightly left of field movie review!

This week is Jillian’s choice and… well, read on to see what I thought, you know how it work’s around here, don’cha? All I will say right now, is that this film is based on the creepy short story most of us know, The Monkey’s Paw by W.W. Jacobs.

*Contains spoilers as always*

the-monkeys-paw-posterThe Film:

The Monkey’s Paw (2013)

Where to Watch:

US Netflix

The Premise: 

Jake is given a monkey’s paw that grants three wishes. After the first two wishes leave his friend Cobb undead, Cobb pushes Jake to make a final wish. (Via IMDB).

The Trailer:

Viewable here.

The Uncondensed Version:

We begin in the room of a small, frightened boy, presumably hiding out from his parents, who can be heard downstairs, violently fighting. When the shouting stops, the poor kid tiptoes downstairs to find his father on the floor, holding a monkey’s paw. He mumbles something along the lines of “Don’t mess with fate, son” and promptly dies.

Cut to modern day and we’re in a factory full of seasoned workers. Jake is the stand out as he is the only vaguely attractive young man. His boss is giving him jip for something, something to do with trucks? I must admit here that I had a bit of an issue with the ‘Nawlins accent, all I longed for was proper pronunciation. Fast forward a bit and Jake’s boss has been fired by his boss, Kevin who is married to Jake’s ex-girlfriend, who Jake clearly still has the hots for.

Get a manicure, will ya?

Jake’s old boss, Gillespie is in the pub later on that night, drowning his sorrows. Jake and his mate, Cobb approach him and have a chat about him being sacked. Gillespie has a shrivelled monkey’s paw on the table next to him (as you do). Naturally the men ask him about it and he tells them about the three wishes. A bit drunk, Jake makes a wish and is told that the paw is his until he makes his last wish. Gillespie sort of tries to warn the men about the paw’s hold on people but not really, calling it a ‘peace treaty’, as Jake was somehow involved in his sacking. He says there are no hard feelings. (We’ll be the judge of that, sir, once this story is through).

Jake’s first wish is for the sweet Mustang he’s just spotted in the car park of the pub; lo and behold, when he and Cobb approach it later, it’s unlocked and the keys are in the ignition. So the boys go for a spin, stopping off at Kevin’s house, where he lives with Lydia, Jake’s ex. They intend to confront Kevin about sacking Gillespie but he’s not home. Lydia and Jake have words and it’s clear that they’re still into one another by how mean they are.

“You know what I did last Summer…? Mainlined the whole of Gossip Girl on Netflix?”

On the way home, Jake crashes the Mustang and Cobb is thrown through the windshield and killed. Jake wishes he wasn’t dead with his second wish and then runs off. Cobb is rescued by a local barmaid who takes him home with her, in the biblical sense and also in a kind way. She patches him up and offers him some sex for which he thanks her with a fatal strangling. Something tells us New Cobb isn’t the weathered old dog with a good heart he used to be (Jill, I sort of fancied him for a split second, a step too far?).

“How does it go again, you put your right arm in, your right arm out…”

Jake, in the meantime, has found an abandoned warehouse and throws the paw away. Yeah, that’ll do it. He goes to the cop shop the next morning, presumably to own up to everything but chickens out. Later, Cobb goes to see his kid who he has with a nice lady who has a restraining order against him. He says he just wants to take his boy fishing.

Jake finally catches up to Cobb, in a graveyard, of course. Cobb mumbles something about wanting the paw and thus, the final wish for himself. He tells Jake he can’t waste the third wish. Mumble mumble mumble.

Kevin, the new dick boss at the factory is f**king another woman besides his wife, Lydia and is in his office with her when he hears something. It turns out to be Cobb, who puts his head in a vice. It seems for a moment that Cobb is just another vigilante, clearing up the streets of rubbish but I don’t stick by this statement.

Bah bye, Kevin

Basically, Cobb works his way indiscriminately through everyone we’ve met so far, including Jake’s mother who is in hospital, dying of cancer. Can I just state here that I’m confused that Jake’s first wish wasn’t to cure his mother of cancer? I mean, duh.

Anyway, Cobb kills her by suffocating her and by this point I was still thinking maybe he was just being kind, wanting to put her out of her misery but actually, he’s just being murderous for shits n’ gigs. Well, I guess the guy no longer has a soul but still.

“…97…98…99… ONE HUNDRED. Coming to get you Cobb!”

Cobb calls Jake and tells him to come to the graveyard to talk. Cobb tells him he killed Jake’s mum for Jake but Jake doesn’t buy it – and rightly so! They fight.

He’s got aright Cobb on

A detective (who’s played by an actor who always plays a detective) is investigating Kevin’s death. He asks his team to bring Cobb in but also look out for Jake. In his heart, the detective knows it’s not Jake but recognises him from outside the police station a few morning ago when he got too scared to come in, so knows he’s involved in something.

Jake also warns his brother to get out of town which he and his wife agree to do. Jake visits Gillespie and they talk about the paw, Gillespie telling him his parent’s tale. He was the little boy in the beginning, see. (I’ll let you find out that story for yourself). Later on, Gillespie is murdered – who knew? – which is sad because he’s a nice man but he did willingly start this whole cycle off so, karma and all.

Jake’s brother and sister-in-law head out of town but are followed and chased down by – can you guess? – who murders them both while Jake is connected to them by phone. He hears them being brutally murdered, then Cobb comes on the line and tells Jake to meet him at Abby’s house (Cobb’s ex, with the kid).

“But the sales lady was adamant that leopard print was going to be MASSIVE this Spring…”

Jake finally accepts that enough is enough, and goes back for the paw. Meanwhile, Cobb kills the detective and captures Lydia in her knitting shop, throwing her into a bin and driving her to Abby’s house.

There’s a final showdown, as with most films. All Cobb wants is the final wish. Jake tries to reason with Cobb, telling Cobb that he has always been right, that Jake was never content with his lot in life. He tells Cobb that the paw ruins things and then he utters his final request: “I wish my friend, Tony Cobb, had his soul back!”.

monkey's paw3
“I wish I’d got Aaron Paul’s career as well as his looks!”

Cobb hates this and goes mental, stabbing Lydia and then beating the shit out of Jake. Jake fights back and then, as Cobb goes after his son, he gets a sudden attack of conscience…

The film ends but first we find out what happened to the paw. Let’s just say there’s a lesson to be learned here if your life has been ruined by an supernatural object. Chuck it the fuck away when you’re done – just sayin’.

The End.

The Critique:

I thought this would be more hammer horror-y so it was a nice surprise to have the story brought up to date and set in a modern location. I haven’t seen any of the other film versions of this short story but I was expecting it to be set in the early 1900s. (Look I didn’t research this movie before I watched it, I wanted to go in fresh).

For a film with a low budget, unknown stars and a loose premise, it was quite entertaining. It also had some genuine jumpy moments. There were a lot of murders too, which is exactly what I want from films of this calibre. All in all, I was entertained and happy with what I got.

I won’t mention any stand out performances because they were all okay but there were a few one liners that actually made me howl. Sample: When Cobb appears at the factory late at night (to kill Kevin) and Kevin confronts him about it with the question: “What are you doing here?”, Cobb replies: “Overtime” and bops him on the head. Loolllllllllllll.

The Rating:


3 See No Evil monkeys (with all their limbs attached) out of 5

Pop over to Jillian’s to see what she thought.

All images via Google.

Nurse (Film) Review

“You’ve got red… all over you.”

Welcome to the next instalment of Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab 2015. By now you know the drill; Jill and I take turns picking a film, usually something tasteless and horrible (certainly on my part) and then we both review it.

It’s the cyber version of actually being able to hang out and snark together; and it’s a lot of fun. It also encourages us both to regularly blog and broaden our horizons artistically (she says, picking yet another horror film). Anyway, I love this series and I hope it reigns for a long time.

And now it’s time for this week’s pick, my choice. I know this isn’t a playground and there aren’t any kids here but I still feel the need to slap on the following disclaimer:

*Film contains A LOT OF SEX, NUDITY and VIOLENCE so if you’re looking for something a little more sedate, this might not be the movie for you. PS. SPOILER ALERTS!*

Prize for the campest movie poster goes to...
Prize for the campest movie poster goes to…

The Film:

Nurse (2013) (It seems this film was adapted for 3-D which is bizarre but anyway, I didn’t watch it that way, so it’s plain old Nurse to me).

Where to Watch:

US Netflix

The Premise:

By day, Abby Russell is a dedicated nurse, but by night, she lures cheating men to their brutal deaths and exposes them for who they really are. (Via IMDB). ~ Right? Cheating men begone!

The Trailer:

Viewable here.

The Uncondensed Version: 

We open with a statistic about the high proportion of murders committed within the medical profession. I didn’t note it down and I’m not sure if it’s true.

Skip to some jaunty Latin flavoured music (which I would totes dance to) and our first sighting of Paz de la Huerta as Abby Russell, the titular (literally) Nurse. She’s a vision in leather and lace, and let’s just get it out there now, this woman was blessed with a behind that could incite riots. Which is handy as she uses it a lot. And damn straight, I would too.

“Yes, I did hurt myself when I fell from Heaven, thanks for asking.”

Abby is all tousled curls, come to bed eyes and pillowy lips. She narrates her own story throughout and her opening scene is accompanied by an introduction: “I look like a slut but don’t be fooled.” (I may paraphrase).

Right. Cool. Well, there’ll be no slut shaming here, Abs. It’s all good. Abby explains that she’s on the hunt for cheaters or “lying, married scum” who pray on “innocent vaginas”. She rounds this off with the wonderful line, “There is no cure. Only me: the Nurse.”


Abby lures a married man from the bar to the roof where she teases him about his family, flicking through his wallet and addressing the family photos within. She proceeds to slice his femoral artery, under the guise of a quick blowie which disappoints him. She explains that he will bleed to death within minutes if he doesn’t do something soon. In the end she suggests, rather than take the stairs, he should choose the quick way down. Let’s just say, it’s very quick and doesn’t involve the elevator. (SPLAT!).

Not at all stereotypical nurses doing their rounds
Not at all stereotypical nurses doing their rounds

That’s our rather gruesome introduction to Nurse Abby, but we are soon treated to her nurturing side, Nurse of the Month Abby Russell. Senior nurse. Mentor. She quickly introduces her newbie, Danni Rogers (30 Rock’s Katrina Bowden), explaining that this is “Our story”.

Danni is graduating. As Kathleen Turner explains (in the briefest of brief cameos), she is to become one the Angels of Mercy at All Saints Hospital. Danni is beside herself, excitedly hugging her mother after the ceremony. Abby approaches and is introduced to Danni’s mum and her step dad, Larry, who is somewhat brittle (there’s a story there, ooooh!). She also meets Danni’s boyfriend, Steve who’s a paramedic much to Abby’s disdain.

“I just really miss Tina Fey…”

Steve is pressuring Danni to move in but something is stopping her. Later on there is a terribly injured patient brought into All Saints and Danni freezes at the scene. As a result she is bollocked by Doctor Morris (Judd Nelson) and told to get out if she can’t handle the pace. Abby overhears the rollicking and wants to comfort Danni. Later, in the locker room Abby and Danni talk about it, and Abby explains that she’ll get there eventually. They decide to grab drinks after Abby has showered.

Clingy, much?
Clingy, much?

On the way to the bar, they spot Danni’s step dad with another woman, outside a restaurant. Danni confronts him as he was supposed to be at a conference in Boston, not flaunting his cheating ways on the town (oh dear, Larry). Abs n’ Dan go to the club where they quickly get effed up on shots. A man joins the girls on the dance floor where they are frolicking together happily and they all get frisky together. All this debauchery is caught on Abby’s camera (rookie mistake, Danni!). We also note that the cocktail glass Danni is drinking from has a grainy residue stuck to the bottom… suspect.

“You kiss your friends with that mouth?” Er, YEAH

The next morning Danni wakes up in Abby’s bed with a very naked Abby. She hotfoots it out of there quite quickly which does not go unmissed by Abby who had envisaged a day of fun for them both, if only Danni is willing to call in sick. She is unimpressed that Danni just wants to forget what happened, and pretend she hasn’t just cheated on Steve, even though she isn’t really sure what happened, or with whom. Special props to Paz de la Huerta’s waxer who does a bang up job keeping her lady garden in check. I hope he/she got a credit in the end titles.

Abby bumps into her neighbour on her way out and they chat. Jared is a real sweetie, genuinely concerned for Abby’s safety when she ventures out at night. She tells him she’ll be fine. She heads to see Larry, Danni’s step father who is a renowned psychiatrist. She tells him she has an addiction to men and he takes it that she’s a sex addict. Larry likes what he sees clearly as he hands over his cell phone number without much persuasion.

Oops, wrong movie
Oops, wrong movie

As with most of these reviews, I’m going to lay off the descriptives from now so as not to go on too much. Danni is back at work, and Dr Morris, who shouted at her before is impressed with her work since. He pats her on the arse then rubs himself against her later. He’s a disgusting pig who obviously attended the Benny Hill Medical School. Steve sends Danni flowers as they had rowed before her night out with Abby.

Abby is jealous and admits to the viewer (us), by way of her narration, that she had sex with Danni (‘cept she puts it in far filthier terms). Later, she gives Danni a key to let herself into her apartment if she ever needs time alone. Danni is upset as she doesn’t like leaving her mother alone with Larry. Danni lost her father and the two bond over that as Abby too has lost hers.

Abby by the way has a snake tattoo on her leg that I love. I saw one like it on a waitress in our local Mexican restaurant and I want one just like it. Anywhoo.

Abby goes to see Larry and seduces him into getting off with her. They park in an alleyway and she ties him up (bondage with a stranger = never a great idea), before injecting him with a paralyzing agent (incidentally, the same drug Abby has asked Danny to check out earlier that day from the pharmacy). Abby lets the handbrake of the car off (once she’s stepped out of course) and it wheels into oncoming traffic, killing Larry. Bah-bye Larry!

When she gets home Danni is waiting and they hug it out. Danni explains that Larry has been killed. They start talking about Steve and argue as Danni tells Abby she is going to move in with him. Danni is freaked out by the jealous tone Abby uses and leaves. As she’s leaving Abby tells her that she hopes Larry’s dick was cut off when he flew through the windshield. Danni knows she never told Abby how Larry was killed… Oh Abby, sloppy work!

At Larry’s funeral, Danni is approached by a hot cop who looks like The Rock and questioned lightly. She’d just seen him talking to Abby and confronts her as to why. Abby admits she’d been seeing Larry as a patient and he had meant a lot to her.

A new HR Director turns up called Rachel. She’s über enthusiastic and annoys everyone with her perpetual great mood and smiley face stickers. She meets Abby and immediately recognises her from somewhere. She tells her that she’s the spitting image of her childhood next door neighbour, Sarah, who ended up in an institution. Luckily for us, Danni is eavedropping. Abby is unimpressed with the comparison and denies it. Oh yes, and while we are introduced to Rachel’s character, Danni receives an email with the photos from ‘that night’ attached, including one of her doing it with a strange man.

“It’s a barn dance, STEVE, plaid shirts only.”

Later Abby and Rachel go for drinks, calling Danni on the way to see if she wants to join. She declines. Danni gets to Steve’s just in time to intercept another email of the photographs. She deletes them in the nick of time. Danni tries to talk to Steve about all of this but he’s on his way out. They agree to continue their conversation later.

In the middle of the night, Danni receives a Skype call from Rachel. Abby is in the background, with a huge syringe. Danni shouts at Rachel to look behind her, but Rachel has obviously never seen a pantomime and doesn’t take direction well, plus she’s hammered. Abby injects Rachel knocking her out. The call ends.

Danni rings the police, sending them to Abby’s apartment. Once she’s hung up, Abby Skypes Danni back and says that Rachel was being nosy. It looks like Rachel’s toast.

Skip on a bit, Dan goes to the cops where she sees Abby talking to The Rock. The Rock tells Danni to stay away from Abby, as she has been stalking her (!). Oh yes plus The Rock has the pictures of Danni shagging Abby and Steve is none too thrilled that she’s been cheating on him, riding off in a strop.

“I absolutely loved you in The Breakfast Club…”

Danni has nowhere to turn but Pervy Doctor Morris. Rachel, meanwhile, turns up and she’s fine, though she is still suspicious, Googling Sarah Price as she nurses her hangover (or worse) from the night before. Before she can uncover anything about Sarah/Abby, she is strangled from behind…

Danni goes to Sunnyview, the institution Sarah/Abby was in and uncovers interesting details about Sarah/Abby’s past. I’ll let you work these out for yourself but let’s just say, she has a checkered past.

Doctor Morris tells Abby there’s been a complaint about her. He says he might need to look into it further or she can do something to change his perspective on her. FYI he’s not talking about interpretive dance or knitting him a nice scarf. Abby says they should go somewhere to talk. In the morgue (romantic), Doctor Morris is punished by a pantless Abby. He’s a cheater you see so fits her criteria and she’s probably knickerless because it’s practical.

“I love dress down Fridays!”

Danni works out that something is afoot when she tries to call Rachel and Rachel’s phone turns up in the boot of her car. Oh yeah and The Rock is shagging Abby, which is convenient for her. On discovering the phone, Danni heads to All Saints where she has a bitch fight with Abby in the hallway. Shit kicks off spectacularly right about here and it’s a bloodbath, Sir.

“Have I got something on my face?”

Amidst all the carnage, Abby escapes. She goes home to grab a bag (totally unnoticed despite being naked and drenched in blood) but is confronted by The Rock who has come round to Danni’s way of thinking after doing a little bit of digging of his own (not a euphemism). Luckily, lovely neighbour Jared is there to protect her, thinking The Rock is a mugger. Sweet sweet Jared. He pops The Rock, and then Abby convinces him to take care of it. Which he does, dragging the body away to, the body disposal unit just around the block?

Later, Abby turns up in a new city, which looks like Miami or somewhere kind of tropical, and walks jauntily into a new hospital , introducing herself as Rachel Owen, new HR Director…

The End.

The Critique:

Wow. This isn’t for the fainthearted. It’s completely crazy and very camp. Paz, god love her, is wonderfully breathy as Abby, a super charged femme fatale on a mission. I do kind of feel for her and love her brand of vigilante justice (only in a fantasy setting, obvs. I don’t condone murders IRL).

It’s all just a bit of a man’s wet dream; sexy nurses a go go and doctors shagging like young bucks. At least what they’re doing isn’t consequence free. It’s all good fun, isn’t it? Not one to take seriously by any stretch, you can just sit back and enjoy the ride. Abby certainly is.

I’m not a massive fan of torture porn, to be honest, unless it has a tongue in cheek quality and this was certainly witty in places. Some of the supporting characters are hilarious, including Rachel and sassy fellow nurse, Regina. I hate that Judd Nelson plays such a horrible pig, it’s definitely put into question my teenage crush on Breakfast Club Judd but all in all, I had fun.

The Rating:

nursenursenursenurse4 saucy nurses out of 5

Nip over to Jillian’s shortly to see what she thought!

All images via Google.

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax (Film) Review


Happy Sunday/Monday Bad Movie Fun Day! Welcome to the next installment in Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab 2015. I think this might be our seventh outing and I’m enjoying doing them more and more each time.

This week was my pick and it was a hard decision to make. I had a short list of three very different movies and had started to get worried that the films we’ve been reviewing have been too good. Well, with this in mind, and without wanting to give too much away yet, I think this week’s choice may have solved that particular quandary.

So to this week’s straight to TV movie (bypassing even DVD, ouch), starring 90’s pixie Christina Ricci.

The Film: 

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax (2014)

Where to Watch:

US Netflix

The Premise:

The true story of Lizzie Borden, a young woman tried and acquitted in the 1892 murders of her father and stepmother. (via IMDB)

The Trailer:

Viewable here.

The Uncondensed Version: 

Christina Ricci AKA Lizzie B is eating fruit by a window in her nightie. My first thought is how tiny she is. Some maids are pottering about doing chores when Lizzie moves downstairs, enters the parlour on the ground floor, only to discover a man with a mashed up face lying on the couch. Lizzie lets out a blood curdling scream and we’re away!

We then flashback a while, to before the events of the day Lizzie finds the man (her father).

It’s the Bordens! Coming out of church! A passing man compliments Mr Andrew Borden on his pretty daughters, to which he grumpily quips that if that were the case, he’d have grandchildren by now. Lizzie and her elder sister, Emma exchange a look. Mrs Borden, Lizzie and Emma’s stepmother doesn’t have much to say. The family have a dry conversation about mutton on the way home. Things don’t seem that rosy on the home front, but who am I to judge?

“What? I only Ax’d you what was for dinner…”

Later, at dinner Lizzie asks her father if she can be excused from the table. He says no but she goes anyway. She is told off even later on for humming to herself while he is trying to relax in the parlour. Basically, Mr Borden is kind of a dick.

Mr B, it turns out, is also not very popular with some of the townsfolk, failing to pay up on jobs that have been done for him, being a douche about it in general. Lizzie witnesses him having a talk to a couple of heavies in the yard while feeding the pigeons. What’s a girl to do though, when confronted with something of this nature? Go shopping, of course.

“I Ax’d you not to post this picture of me on your blog. GAWD.”

Turns out little Lizzie has sticky fingers and pinches some coin from her stepmother’s purse. Then she hot foots it to (presumably), the only boutique in town. Where she finds out that her line of credit has been taken away (thanks stepmum, you bitch). It doesn’t even matter though as Liz has the cash and purchases a little summin-summin for a party later that night. While there, Lizzie tells the shop girl that she’s worried about something terrible happening to her father (!) as he has so many enemies (ooof clever!).

She also tells her that she’s always dreamt of doing more with her life and having freedom. Then she steals a pretty silver mirror for good measure, because she’s a bad ass. Sadly, she gets shopped to Pops by the shop girl and he later comes up to bollock her.

“Let me Ax you something: how hot am I?”

Each of the scenes with Lizzie and Mr B are a little creepy with incestuous undertones, I hope it’s not just me who thinks it. The gist of these moments is that Lizzie is a master manipulator and hey, fair play. If Wednesday Addams looked at me with those Puss in Boots eyes, I’d do anything she asked of me, any time.

But back to the movie. I Wikipedia‘d Lizzie Borden and there was a theory about sexual abuse between father and daughter, though these tête à têtes are the only nod we see towards that now. Thankfully.

Mr B tells Lizzie she can’t go to the party unaccompanied but she persuades him she’ll be okay as she’s no longer a little girl. She goes to the party. A girl looks at her bitchily when she agrees to a drink and asks her “Aren’t you a Sunday school teacher?”. Lizzie quips, “Only on Sundays”. I like Lizzie. She’s got gumption.

Lizzie goes home and there’s a kerfuffle in the night, I think I went into the kitchen to make some tea when this was happening. There was some flapping and maybe some squawks so I imagine something happened to the pigeons?

In the morning Lizzie is woken by the news that there’s been a burglary. Some of Mrs Borden’s jewellery and cash has gone missing. Since they all know Lizzie has kleptomania, she’s the natural suspect. Of course she denies it and makes some digs about her stepmother’s family who are better off than them, and Mr B ain’t happy about her ingratitude. There’s some more weird flirting between them and then she tells him she doesn’t think she wants to get married.

Emma, Lizzie’s dowdy and quite boring sister (I don’t really rate the actress who plays her) conveniently goes to see a friend for a few days, leaving Lizzie at home with her parents. I ate three crumpets at this point so wasn’t really focused but Lizzie seemed pretty enthusiastic about this turn of events. Curiouser and curiouser.

So off Emma pops and while she does that, Lizzie fannies about a bit. The maids are also occupied, so occupied that they are absolutely nowhere to be seen as Wednesday slaughters both her parents in a violent and not very subtle way. Naked. Oh but wait, we don’t know she was naked yet, we’ll see that in a flashback later. My bad.

Artist’s impression of murder victim

Mrs B gets the chop first though she isn’t discovered for hours, poor lamb, then Mr B comes home and has a nap on the couch. He never wakes up.

Lizzie discovers his body and it all kicks off. About seven different investigators turn up and question Lizzie, they all look the same and I keep getting them mixed up.

DNA profiling proves that it’s moved on somewhat since the 1800’s as the rigorous checks Lizzie is subjected to include; having her palms checked for blood, having the inspector walk around her and accept the excuse that the bright red stain on her blue dress is stew from earlier. Lizzie tells him that she was in the barn looking for fishing tackle (a likely story!) where she also ate three pears.

NB: This film was a lot more talky than I wanted it to be, with quite a bit of court room shenanigans. Therefore, there’s not much to describe. I’ll keep it brief from here.

Lizzie is questioned a lot about her feelings for her father and particularly, her step-mother. She admits that Mr B was a complicated man but that she loved him. Emma keeps asking her too if she has anything to share. Basically, everyone suspects her. She gets a lawyer with a jaunty mustache.

“I Ax you this. Do you like my jaunty mustache?”

The cops are determined to bring Lizzie down, though a couple of them remain unconvinced that a woman could commit such a blood thirsty act. The main dude, I didn’t learn any of their names, quite rightly reminds them that the asylums are full of mad women. Just as the girls are about to bury their parents, they’re handed a document saying that the bodies are to be exhumed.

There’s some courtroom action, where Liz is cross-examined. The court asks her to hand over the blue dress as it turns out it did have blood on it after all. SLOW CLAP for not taking it in for evidence on the day of the murder, guys. Lizzie is next seen burning the dress. Who honestly knew?

More courtroom, Liz starts to unravel, forgetting what she’s said to the room before. At one point she screams “SHE WASN’T MY MOTHER!” about Mrs Borden which looks hella suspicious. They interview the maid and Emma, who both cover for her. She thanks Bridget the Maid by sacking her bluntly. Then she’s acquitted.

There was something about poison in the story somewhere, again I wasn’t really listening that hard. Lizzie leaves the courthouse with the smuggest face in courtroom history.

“I’ll Ax you again: does my bum look big in this dress?” Answer: Definitely NO

The sisters slowly get back to reality but before this (?) we’re treated to the flash back of what really happened. Basically, Lizzie took great relish in killing her stepmother (why oh why does the poor stepmother always get such a bad rap? Dammit), then moving on to Pa, whom she murders whilst COMPLETELY NUDE. His last vision on Earth is of his wily daughter IN THE BUFF, perhaps another little sprinkling of symbolism?


So Lizzie is free and loving life. Going to church in big hats and throwing parties. Basically living the life of Riley. Again with the subtlety, but there’s a little throwaway clue to Lizzie’s sexual preference at the Borden Sister’s NYE party, where she gets close to a pretty friend, telling her that she’s missed her. I recognise this girl from one of the trials, but can’t remember anything about her.

Wiki (again) suggests that there were rumours about a lesbian relationship between Lizzie and the maid (though this chick ain’t the maid). I sort of wish they’d played this part up a bit, not least just to make it more interesting, FFS. And who doesn’t love a lesbian?

Emma gets peeved that Lizzie is having so much fun and the morning after their big party, confronts her, telling her that all her new friends don’t like her for her, only for the notoriety (I’ve been friends with people for less). In return, lovely Lizzie whispers the truth into Emma’s boring ear.

“Since you keep Ax’ing me. I totes did it. Lol.”

Emma leaves in shock and the Epilogue tells us that the sisters never saw each other again. Which is fair I think. Nobody was ever convicted of the Borden murders, and Lizzie lived for the rest of her days in the same town. Which must have been awkward.


The Critique:

Blows raspberry. It was pants, TBH. It did pretty much everything you’d expect it to, as a TV movie, but I was expecting a bit more suspense, a little more something.

I guess I expected more of Ms Ricci, who has been the star of some amazing films in her time (Buffalo ’66, The Opposite of Sex). What is she doing? I guess it could’ve ended up being a little cult gem, but it’s not good enough for that.

I’ve always been really attracted to the unsolved mystery of what happened to the Bordens, in real life, and this is not the best way to honour the legend. Excuse me for expecting more.

Other sticking points: not much of a back story (therefore a flimsy motive). Sure, Mr Borden was an arse but is that really enough to want to hack his face off? Since there are so many theories I feel like they could’ve been a bit more creative with the ‘truth’.

And the music! It’s always a bit jarring when you pair a contemporary (ish) soundtrack with a costume piece, but this one was something else. It’s hard to describe but it was a sort of, and I’m quoting myself here: “weird, country pop soundtrack.” Later, “Cue crap Nickelback track”. Awful.

Clea DuVall wasn’t really given much to work with (but I don’t really like her so, meh) and there’s not much to say about the rest of the cast. Snooze.


Wednesday would not approve.

The Rating:


2 bloody axes out of 5

Head over to Jillian‘s shortly to find out what she thought!

All images via Google.
Ax jokes all mine.

Grabbers (Film) Review

“You’ll lose you head for this movie!”

It’s been a few weeks since the last Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab and I, personally, think that’s way too long.

I realised, whilst completing this weeks ‘assignment’, that I love the process of choosing/finding out what the new film is, watching and then thinking about it. Then thinking about the next one.

B-movies/horror/dubious monster flicks + being a snarky bitch are my life force so what better way to stretch my film reviewing chops than a combination of the two shared with someone who loves it just as much as I do? Plus, I’ve made a f**king fabulous new friend #winning.

This week we’ve got a very strong entry. Viewing it as a film lover, it’s probably the best looking/acted and special effected movie we’ve collaborated on yet (Sorry Killer Mermaid).

It also had me bellowing with laughter at certain points, which is never, ever a bad thing, but a little disconcerting when you’re actually supposed to be laughing along, rather than laughing at.


The Film: 

Grabbers (2012)

Where to Watch:

US/UK Netflix

The Premise:

When an island off the coast of Ireland is invaded by bloodsucking aliens, the heroes discover that getting drunk is the only way to survive. (via IMDB)

The Trailer:

Viewable here.

The Uncondensed Version: 

We start with a view of planet Earth with a meteorite/shooting star travelling at a rate of knots across its surface. Then we close in on a trawler boat floating in the middle of the sea. One of the boat’s crew witnesses the meteorite/shooting star as it hurtles past and lands nearby.

What is it with fishermen being so involved in our movie collaborations anyway? I’m not complaining, I just don’t know how I’ll feel when I next see a crap film and it doesn’t feature a beaten up old sea dog.

But back to our trawler. A particularly beardy seaman (Ron?), looks off-screen at something terrifying coming towards him but before his friends get to him, he is dragged away. One by one our hapless fishermen are picked off by an unseen something, leaving behind a heavy breathing youngster who eventually gets it too. Nice lead in.

The Full Monty line-up had dwindled somewhat, due to budget cuts

The next morning, a (pretty) female police officer travels onto the island by boat and is picked her new and gruff (also hung over) colleague, O’Shea, who doesn’t seem exactly ecstatic to have her around. She’s in town to assist the local police force (of two people) as one of them is going on holiday.

They don’t exactly hit it off straight away but before they have time to discuss things any further, they’re called to deal with a very bizarre occurrence on the beach (directly after Gruff tells Lady Cop that nothing ever happens around here. Oooh!).

“He’s got red on him”

For some inexplicable reason (or is there?!), a load of poor whales have washed up on the beach. Gruff and Lady Cop (Lisa) arrive to find Dr. Smith (the amazing, beautiful Russell Tovey, the nation’s sweetheart), a Marine Ecologist scratching his head (actually, he’s measuring the whales and looking quite busy). He says that it is not uncommon for whales to beach themselves but hella weird for a whole gang of them to die at the same time.

As O’Shea ponders the deep cuts all over the whale they’re standing beside, Smith says that he thinks they were dead before they washed up and were probably torn up on the rocks. Smith then flirts outrageously with Lisa and I gain even more respect for him.

Shortly after this exchange, O’Shea goes to visit a local builder to borrow his trucks. Someone has to move the poor whales, but honestly, I’d love to know what they do with them afterwards. Full-on marine memorial, I hope.

While all this is going on, two fishermen (them again!) ensnare something exotic in a lobster trap (we can’t really see what it is but it’s clear this ain’t no lobster). My favourite character-to-be, Paddy, shows his trawler friend, and his friend gets squirted on for his troubles (not in the good way).

Later that evening, as the sun fades, and the last of the bloated whale corpses is carried away, the foreman shouts at one of his workers to go and get a shovel that’s been left behind. Poor Unassuming Worker (or PUW) runs back to the beach where he discovers some unusual looking eggs. Eggs! Alas, before he can share his discovery with the world, he is dragged, kicking and screaming, into the ocean by… I saw nothing, could be anything…

While PUW is drowned to death, we learn that Paddy has taken his lobster trap, complete with non-lobster prisoner, back to his cottage and placed him in the bath. Seriously, I hope he’s added salt to the tub, you can’t just plonk marine life willy nilly into any old wet environment…

I’m going to skip forward a little bit here because this is a great film with lots of gore and horror, but I don’t want to go completely scene for scene. Basically, quite a few villagers perish, in humorous yet suspenseful ways.

The landlady of the pub decides to play match maker and tells a drunken O’Shea that Lisa obviously has a twinkle in her eye for him. He makes the mistake of going upstairs (she is staying in the Inn above the pub) and propositioning her, which goes down about as well as a cup full of cold sick. The two of them do start to bond though (who knew) after she locks him in the cells overnight to sober up.

“Don’t look directly at it!”

Paddy returns home on the same night only to be attacked by his sea creature, a tentacle heavy blue beast. Miraculously though, it doesn’t kill him and he manages to capture it. Luckily for Paddy, he knows exactly what to do with the creature and hot foots it to see Russell Tovey, along with O’Shea and Lisa.

Over another bout of unbelievable flirting from Tovey, the gang work out a few things; a) that their little blue baby is female and b) was pregnant when she attacked Paddy. After this is determined, they figure that the father must be around here somewhere and using a map, chart out the areas these mysterious creatures have been hanging out. They decide to go to Black Rock, to have a poke around.

“I said, “Don’t look directly at it!””

Black Rock (a cluster of black rocks), yields some interesting findings, e.g. some more eggs and… DADDY! Thing is, Daddy is ten times bigger than Mummy, and is seriously PISSED. He’s looking for his wife and babies, so you can’t really criticise him for wanting to take off people’s heads to get to them.

O’Shea, Lisa and Paddy run back to Tovey’s lab and decide it’s a good idea to set fire to Mummy so that Daddy can’t find her. They accidentally letting off the fire alarms, complete with water sprinklers, thus creating an even more soaked environment for Mummy and Daddy to slop about in.

In the kerfuffle to turn off the sprinklers, O’Shea is attacked by Mummy, who’s been to Alien Face Hugger Acting School and plays her part magnificently.

Somehow, O’Shea gets her off his face and she start throwing up blood, repelled by the taste of him. The gang ponder how O’Shea, and Paddy, the night before, managed to survive such an attack and eventually put two and two together; both men are utter piss heads with ridiculously high blood alcohol content, something the sea monster/alien or Grabber (as Paddy has named them) seems to be allergic to.

“This is no time to play WWF, Mr Tovey”

Off the back of this, the gang come up with the frankly amazing plan to get everyone together and pissed up in the only pub on the island, to keep them from harm. Oh yes, did I mention? Police back up can’t come until morning due to the massive storm that’s coming. OBVS.

So they go to the pub, rounding up the villagers as they go. Lisa has never been drunk in her life so the men get her completely inebriated and test out her blood on Mummy Grabber. It seems to more or less work so they get the party started.

O’Shea, uncharacteristically, volunteers to be the only sober person. Lisa is under the impression that he is a widower, which is what the stirring landlady has told her. She’s obviously hot for O’Shea which I didn’t get at first but am sort of coming around to as he proves to be pretty heroic (and looks like a craggier Michael Sheen). Along the way a few of the villagers we have come to know and love, lose their lives (and their heads), I won’t list them but let’s just say, Tovey’s Dr Smith never gets to pull Lisa.

It’s raining tentacles

I’m going to wind it down here because I think people should watch this film without me having ruined absolutely every element of it; but it all comes to a head as the eggs hatch, Daddy Grabber finds his way to the pub and there’s a final fight for survival (on all sides).

Do O’Shea and Lisa kick adequate arse and kill Daddio? Do they ever get off with each other? Does my beloved fisherman friend, Paddy leave with his life? Well, only one way to find out!

The Critique:

I liked it. I liked it a lot. The film is beautifully shot, with stunning scenery. I think I’d be happy to holiday on this island, you know once the Grabbers are finally cleared off the beach.

What I liked most about the film is that it made me laugh, really belly laugh out loud at certain points. It also had the feel of an Edgar Wright movie, making me think of Shaun of the Dead/The World’s End more than once, which might just be my association with the pub lock in, I don’t know but it’s good and is all about the smaller characters; the brilliant Paddy, the village GP, the pub landlords. They’re a riot.

A pretty good British/Irish creature feature all round. And it ends with O’Shea and Lisa agreeing to check on the dog left behind by one of the dead villagers, which is absolutely the way survivors (oops, spoiler alert!) should talk at the end of films of this nature. Dogs always get a bad rap in the movies and I absolutely hate it. So yey, Grabbers!

The Rating:

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4.5 cool Cthulhus out of 5

Pop over to Jillian’s to see what she thought.

All images via Google.

Killer Mermaid (Film) Review

“I Know What You Did Last Summer meets Splash!” No.

It’s mermaid time, bitches and I, for one, am thrilled! I love me a mermaid story in pretty much any capacity, but an evil one? I am so in.

It was my turn to choose the film for Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab 2015, Part 3.

I did think this film was called Killer Mermaids (plural), suggesting multiple fishy babes, but I was mistaken. I avoided all reviews/trailers so as not to spoil the bound to be incredible premise and I’m glad, for this was a fishy treat to the very end (sort of).

Let us begin.

The Film:

Killer Mermaid (2014)
AKA “Nymph” (Original title “Mamula”) – so good, they name it thrice

Where to Watch: 

US Netflix

The Premise:

Two young American women go on a Mediterranean vacation and uncover the watery lair of a killer mermaid hidden beneath an abandoned military fortress. What was once a carefree adventure becomes a deadly fight for survival. (via IMDB)

The Trailer: 

Viewable here.

The Uncondensed Version:

We open with an underwater scene reminiscent of Jaws but without the John Williams soundtrack (there is music and it is trying to be Jaw-sy but failing dismally). The POV shot takes us on a tour of an abandoned shipwreck before veering straight for the surface.

Next we see a series of cheesy holiday snaps between a bald man and his cutesy blonde companion. It’s typical cheeky fair, having japes in a Mediterranean setting while taking lots of pictures. All set to a Euro trash disco track that mentions partying a lot.

It’s night time. Baldie and Blondie are by the shore. Blondie takes off her top and asks Baldie if he’s just going to stand there staring. He closes his mouth and strips, but is distracted by a sound rather like (bad) singing. He walks to the edge of the water and is gone. Blondie is inconsolable and while she is screaming for help, a man (?) in Wellington boots comes up behind her and swings a hook/anchor type affair into the back of her head and drags her off. It doesn’t look good for Blondie.

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“She wore an… itsy bitsy teeny weeny… black and silver sheer bikini…”

Enter our heroines, Kelly and Lucy, two Americans out for a good time. Lucy is obviously the good time girl because she can rock a bikini like nobody’s business, while Kelly is a little more serious as she’s covered up and keeps talking about work. She’s a writer and her editor is bugging her about writing a piece on the town they are visiting.

Continue reading “Killer Mermaid (Film) Review”

Frankenstein’s Army (Film) Review

Frankenstein's Army banner

It’s time for the next exciting instalment of Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab 2015 and believe me, this one’s a corker. Our short list is getting ever plumper and more bizarre, which makes me feel very excited about my Sundays.

This week was Jill’s choice.

NB: You know the score re: spoilers. There are some.

The Film:

Frankenstein’s Army (2013)

Where to Watch:

US Netflix

The Premise:

Toward the end of World War II, Russian soldiers pushing into eastern Germany stumble across a secret Nazi lab, one that has unearthed and begun experimenting with the journal of one Dr. Victor Frankenstein. The scientists have used the legendary Frankenstein’s work to assemble an army of super-soldiers stitched together from the body parts of their fallen comrades — a desperate Hitler’s last ghastly ploy to escape defeat. (via IMDB)

The Trailer:

Viewable here.

The Uncondensed Version:

We start with a home video of a young solider, Dimitri, pledging his allegiance to Stalin. He and his party appear to be going on a secret mission and Dimitri claims to be proud of the fact.

Dimitri appears for most of the rest of the film as a disembodied voice from behind his camera, for he has been entrusted to record the journey for posterity. We meet the other guys through his eyes and they are a rag tag bunch if ever there was one. We are treated to a montage of sorts (love a montage) while the boys take selfies with the local villagers and generally lark about.

Continue reading “Frankenstein’s Army (Film) Review”