Icetastrophe (Film) Review

HNR9M6HJillian’s pick this week and a combination of two well-worn genres. That’s Christmas and Sci-fi, obvs. Because isn’t that perfect? Like Fish and, erm, candyfloss (the perfect combo).

Christmas Icetastrophe (2014) AKA just Icetastrophe

Director: Jonathon Winfrey
Stars: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence, Richard Harmon

IMDB Synopsis: A meteorite brings ice and freezing temperatures, which threatens to harm the residents of a small town at Christmas.

My Review:

Charlie Ratchet (honestly) is an impossibly hot dad living in a small town just trying to make a living and stop his evil eyed son Tim from blowing himself up. Separated from his wife Faye (the superbly named Boti Bliss) who lives in the next town along, he’s honestly just too attractive for this world.

807_medium
“Yeah I’m just looking forward to kicking back for a few days, eating mince pies, watching Home Alone… you?”

He works for the town mayor Ben Crooge (lol) (played by Mike Dopud), though I’m not sure I know exactly what he does. Something manly, construction/mining? It doesn’t really matter. Ben is not well liked in the town (he is also quite easy on the eye, I won’t lie) but Charlie has to try and bite his tongue because he works for him (I hear you sister!).

This is easier said than done and things get harder (giggle) when we find out Tim is dating Ben’s daughter Marley (Tiera Skovbye). They’re keeping it hush hush though Tim wants to come out as a couple.

I’m p. sure this is because Tim is punching above his weight and Marley knows it but whatever kids, I don’t really care.

icetastrophe_pic_8
“What do you mean I look like Cyril Sneer from The Raccoons?”

Oh yeah and before we even meet the gang we meet Alex Novak, a mature student obsessed with a meteorite she’s been tracking for some time. Her colleague takes the piss out of her for choosing to spend Christmas Eve working rather than letting her hair down and having a life.

Alex is obviously a bit stupid as she’s supposedly tracking this meteorite so closely, yet fails to warn anybody that it’s about to hit, least of all the small town where Charlie and co are trying to enjoy a jolly Christmassy event in the centre of Main Street.

Just before the meteorite hits, Ben sacks Charlie (for being too good-looking?). I blinked and missed this scene so I’m not sure why, it might be because of Tim and Marley’s relationship. Marley’s brother Scott (Andrew Francis) definitely finds out about them and isn’t best pleased. He’s also a dreadful human being.

So, hit the meteorite does, killing several locals in some wonderfully creative ways and revealing itself to be unlike anything anybody has ever seen before. Like, for a start, it’s all icy and shit, not hot and fiery. Ooooooh!

Ben is a weak little punk and leaves the town Santa to freeze to death when he tries to help a frozen kid, proving to the viewer what a total arse he really is. I sure hope he has the opportunity later to redeem himself…

The town begins to evacuate and head over to the clinic where Charlie’s wife works. But this being a disaster flick means not all goes according to plan.

This happened at some point. Man, he’s COLD

Alex the Scientist turns up, nearly gets killed by the icy fingers of this bizarre natural phenomenon and Charlie then inexplicably decides to put the needs of this idiotic woman ahead of his loved ones. I mean, he’s never met this fool, who’s more than willing to head straight into the eye of the storm (where she will almost certainly perish), and that makes him just as foolish by association.

I’m sorry, we’re all meant to be blown away by how good a man Charlie is but I just thought he was kind of dickish. For a start he sends his son off on his own to make his way to safety. Not the actions of a responsible person, soz Charlie, I don’t care how delightful your jawline is.

Tim does make it to the clinic momentarily but when he the finds out Marley hasn’t arrived he goes rogue and dashes off to find her. Marley meanwhile has stopped with her brother to help a stranded motorist and somehow the two of them end up out in the open. Which is not a good scene, man, not when killer ice crystals are sprouting out of the ground willy-nilly.

I know, you never thought you’d read a sentence like that in your life, did ya?

icetastrophe-facebookJumbo
“CALL MY FUCKING AGENT!!”

There are deaths left right and centre, some superbly shit special effects (or basically just the one over and over, the aforementioned ice crystals). There are explosions, bonding moments, and lots and lots of snow.

Questions: 

Will Charlie make it out with his beautiful face intact? Will Tim rescue Marley (and will she just STFU for one second PLEASE)? Will Scott get his just desserts (snow cone, anyone?) for being such a prick?

Will Ben come through in the end?

Will ridiculous Alex get her all-important sample of meteorite so she can score Brownie points with whoever still cares?

Will you care? Is this so bad it’s really good? And what happens if you ignore all the advice and eat the yellow snow?!

If you get to the end, you will undoubtedly find the answer to 95% of these questions.

Christmas Icetastrophe - 2014
“Oh hokey cokey cokey…”

My Thoughts:

Sigh. No. Sorry. It was pretty dire. I found myself wishing for an ice shark or something, maybe even a troll, to come crashing through the trees to shake the party up a bit.

The characters annoyed the shit out of me, I didn’t care if any of them lived or died and Charlie didn’t even have the decency to do a shower scene.

So thanks but no thanks, Icetastrophe.

My Rating: 1.5/5. Horrific but my 1.5 is solely for the dude who gets a deadly icicle spear through his throat. God bless him. ❄❄❄

What did my beautiful Christmas angel Jillian think of this hot mess? Find out here if you dare.

❄❄❄

Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy (Film) Review

AKA. The longest, least charismatic film title in recent times. If it were me,81GWJ3Mb32L._SL1500_ I would simply of titled it: Knox. Punchier, innit?

Following Lovestruck: The Musical, this week we’re reviewing another straight-to-cable Lifetime movie, this time the true life story of the Amanda Knox/Meredith Kercher murder mystery.

I’ve already conversed with Jillian about how hard I think it will be to review this, in that it does everything you need it to but just isn’t a) melodramatic or b) crap, enough.

But we’ll see. Like she assured me, we always manage.

*Spoilers!* – though that warning seems a little moot here, considering this is an extremely high-profile case, and most people and their dogs knows how the tale unfolded.

Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy (2011)

Director: Robert Dornhelm
Stars: Hayden Panettiere, Marcia Gay Harden

IMDB Synopsis: Based on the events surrounding the murder of British student Meredith Kercher.

My Review: 

Hm. I suppose I should preface this review with the fact that I was obsessed with this case when it first came to trial. Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox is alleged to have murdered her roommate, Meredith Kercher in a brutal attack that may or may not have been sexually motivated (more details here).

I guess we may never know if she’s innocent or not, but Knoxy certainly maintains that she is, and has done so, ever since she was first arrested for the crime.

But to the film. Is starts off with Knoxy, standing outside her apartment with slightly seedy looking boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito (slimey= obviously guilty). They are mumbling something to a cop about there having been a break in in the flat, broken glass and a wee bit of blood in the bathroom. Neither are particularly worried.

“Yes, that’s a large pepperoni, one garlic bread and six spicy wings, extra ketchup…”

Obviously neither party have had the sense to check the rooms inside the apartment, as unbeknownst to them (allllllegedlllly!), the mutilated body of Meredith lies on the floor of her room, covered in a quilt.

NB: Actually, I think they may have tried but found Meredith’s room locked from the inside, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt on that one. 

The slightly grouchy police officer tries to break the door down, while Knoxy makes a call to her mother in America, waking her in the middle of the night and worrying her sick for no good reason, IMHO.

I mean at this stage, she thinks someone has broken a window but not actually taken anything. I always wait for something a bit more concrete before I get my own mother involved, you know?

Raff also makes a dodgily timed phone call, speaking to the police about a break in, while the police are actually inside the flat, dealing with said break in. I’m guessing he doesn’t know about this new fangled thing called phone records.

Anywho, everybody present, including another housemate, is shocked to the core when Meredith’s door is bashed down and her body is discovered.

I best add here that I was painting watermelons on my nails while viewing this movie and so some of the back and forth may have been lost on me. Like whose fingerprints were on what and whom, etc. Forgive me.

“Sì mi piace il tuo maglione stretto … “

The relationship between Raff and Knoxy is then illuminated via the medium of flashback, and we also go back to her first meeting with Kercher. We don’t really learn too much about their friendship other than that it soured somewhat towards the end because Knox was slutty in both senses of the word and conscientious Kercher wasn’t into it.

amanda-knox-murderer-italy-6
“Save the cheerleader, save the world”

Shortly after Kercher is found, Knoxy surprises everyone with her carefree attitude, which is  not very in keeping with a bereaved person. She’s seen kissing Raff with abandon in the police station just before giving her first statement and shopping for fancy knickers like a women with no worries, whatsoever. She tells police she was home with Raff having sex on ‘the night’.

Later Raff sells Knoxy up the river and tells the Polizia that she’d left to go out and didn’t return to his place until the morning. Based on this she is arrested.

She is interrogated a lot and in all the excitement it seems as though she has certain scenarios ‘suggested’ to her. She names her former boss as the man who took Kercher home that night and he is subsequently arrested himself.

13168_7_screenshot
“WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Meanwhile, Mummy Knox flies into town and man, the Knox family seem nice. They are present every day of the trial and have to sit through Knoxy’s Trial by Media, during which she is ripped to shreds by the papers, TV and anyone who can, basically. Sadly, Knoxy’s apparent joy at being in the spotlight doesn’t really help her judgement. The girl does an awful lot of smiling and waving in the court house and boy, does that fuck people off.

Inevitably, Knoxy’s racy nickname comes to light, helping paint a portrait of an insatiable young woman hellbent on shagging, doing drugs and partying, with very little in between. It’s all too cliché, how very dare a young woman love sex? How dare she own a vibrator and carry condoms? Obvs a cold-blooded killer!

Photo-14-600x401
“But I really want a blue hat too…”

The prosecution implies that Meredith strongly disapproved of this lascivious lifestyle, which caused a rift between the two women. Another dude is implicated in the murder along the way; Rudy Guede, who Kercher was supposedly seeing.

I’m sure it’s not ruining anything to say that Knoxy and Raff are found guilty and get sent down despite the fact there is little physical evidence to prove they’re involved.

Fin.

My Thoughts:

It’s all just a wee bit dull TBH. Hayden Pantene is perfectly adequate as Foxy Knoxy, although I don’t think there’s much of a likeness, physically. I’ve always been quite a fan of HP, mainly because of Heroes, which I loved with a capital ‘L’.

Marcia Gay is also quite good as Knoxy’s distraught mother who somehow manages to hold it together, where most would not.

I think maybe I would have liked more of a build up to the crime, more insight into the two women together. Just more, I’m not sure exactly what though.

It’s an inoffensive take on the story, I suppose. The acting isn’t bad, the scenery is far from hideous and it did what it said on the tin.

That’s it really. Did I expect more wailing; more melodrama and more of a clue as to whether Knoxy really dunnit? Probs yes to all those things.

My Rating:

3/5 – Average. I mean, would it have hurt them to toss in a brief musical interlude?

Lifetime movies should be cheesy as fuck and there needs to be a law passed to ensure this.

So, what did Jill think? Check it out here shortly!